ADY SNEER WELL-Nay,
positively
we will hear it.
Warner - World's Best Literature - v23 - Sha to Sta
-
――――
Acres Pickled! Snug lying in the Abbey! Odds tremors!
Sir Lucius, don't talk so!
Sir Lucius-I suppose, Mr. Acres, you never were engaged
in an affair of this kind before?
Acres No, Sir Lucius, never before.
Sir Lucius-Ah! that's a pity! - there's nothing like being
used to a thing. Pray now, how would you receive the gentle-
man's shot?
-
-
Acres Odds files! I've practiced that-there, Sir Lucius —
there. [Puts himself in an attitude. ] A side-front, hey? Odd!
I'll make myself small enough: I'll stand edgeways.
Acres - - But
-
Sir Lucius - Now you're quite out; for if you stand so when
I take my aim—
[Leveling at him.
Acres Zounds! Sir Lucius - are you sure it is not cocked?
Sir Lucius-Never fear.
but you don't know
own head!
――
-
――――――
-
-
it may go off of its
Sir Lucius - Pho! be easy. Well, now, if I hit you in the
body, my bullet has a double chance: for if it misses a vital
part of your right side, 'twill be very hard if it don't succeed on
the left!
Acres A vital part!
Sir Lucius-But there-fix yourself so: [placing him] let him
see the broad-side of your full front there now a ball or two
may pass clean through your body, and never do any harm at all.
_______
## p. 13329 (#135) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13329
Acres Clean through me! a ball or two clean through me!
Sir Lucius - Ay, may they; and it is much the genteelest atti-
tude into the bargain.
―
Acres Look'ee! Sir Lucius I'd just as lieve be shot in an
awkward posture as a genteel one; so, by my valor! I will stand
edgeways.
Sir Lucius [looking at his watch] - Sure they don't mean to
disappoint us-hah! -no, faith, I think I see them coming.
Acres Hey! — what! - coming!
Sir Lucius-Ay. Who are those
Who are those yonder getting over the
stile?
―――
-
-
we- we
we-we-won't run.
Acres - There are two of them indeed! Well-let them come
- hey, Sir Lucius! -
Sir Lucius-Run!
Acres - No-I say we won't run, by my valor!
Sir Lucius- What the devil's the matter with you?
Acres Nothing-nothing-my dear friend- my dear Sir
Lucius — but—I—I—I don't feel quite so bold, somehow, as I
did.
―――
―――――
XXIII-834
-
Sir Lucius-O fie! Consider your honor.
Acres - Ay
word or two every now and then about my honor.
Sir Lucius-Well, here they're coming.
[Looking.
Acres - Sir Lucius - if I wa'n't with you, I should almost
think I was afraid. If my valor should leave me! Valor will
come and go.
―――――
――――――
true- my honor. Do, Sir Lucius, edge in a
Sir Lucius-Then pray keep it fast, while you have it.
――――
Acres - Sir Lucius I doubt it is going-yes- my valor is
certainly going! It is sneaking off! I feel it oozing out as it
were at the palms of my hands!
Sir Lucius- Your honor-your honor! Here they are.
-
Acres O mercy! now that I was safe at Clod-Hall! or
. could be shot before I was aware!
Enter Faulkland and Captain Absolute
Hah! - what,
Sir Lucius Gentlemen, your most obedient.
Captain Absolute! So I suppose, sir, you are come here just
like myself to do a kind office, first for your friend, then to pro-
ceed to business on your own account.
Acres-What-Jack! -my dear Jack! - my dear friend!
――――――――
―――
-
## p. 13330 (#136) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13330
Absolute-Hark'ee, Bob, Beverley's at hand.
Sir Lucius- Well, Mr. Acres I don't blame your saluting
the gentleman civilly. [To Faulkland. ] So, Mr. Beverley, if
you'll choose your weapons, the captain and I will measure the
ground.
Faulkland-My weapons, sir!
Acres Odds life! Sir Lucius, I'm not going to fight Mr.
Faulkland: these are my particular friends.
Sir Lucius - What, sir, did you not come here to fight Mr.
Acres?
―――――
Faulkland-Not I, upon my word, sir.
Sir Lucius-Well, now, that's mighty provoking! But I hope,
Mr. Faulkland, as there are three of us come on purpose for the
game, you won't be so cantankerous as to spoil the party by
sitting out.
Absolute-Oh pray, Faulkland, fight to oblige Sir Lucius.
Faulkland-Nay, if Mr. Acres is so bent on the matter-
Acres No, no, Mr. Faulkland: I'll bear my disappointment
like a Christian. - Look'ee, Sir Lucius, there's no occasion at all
for me to fight; and if it is the same to you, I'd as lieve let it
alone.
-
Sir Lucius-Observe me, Mr. Acres I must not be trifled
with. You have certainly challenged somebody, and you came
here to fight him. Now, if that gentleman is willing to repre-
sent him I can't see, for my soul, why it isn't just the same
thing.
-
――――
Acres - Why, no, Sir Lucius: I tell you 'tis one Beverley I've
challenged a fellow, you see, that dare not show his face! If
he were here, I'd make him give up his pretensions directly!
Absolute - Hold, Bob-let me set you right: there is no such
man as Beverley in the case. The person who assumed that
name is before you; and as his pretensions are the same in both
characters, he is ready to support them in whatever way you
please.
Sir Lucius-Well, this is lucky. Now you have an oppor-
tunity-
Acres - What, quarrel with my dear friend Jack Absolute?
Not if he were fifty Beverleys! Zounds, Sir Lucius, you would
not have me so unnatural!
Sir Lucius-Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, your valor has
oozed away with a vengeance!
## p. 13331 (#137) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13331
Odds backs and abettors! I'll be
Acres Not in the least!
your second with all my heart; and if you should get a quietus,
you may command me entirely. I'll get you snug lying in the
Abbey here; or pickle you, and send you over to Blunderbuss
Hall, or anything of the kind, with the greatest pleasure.
Sir Lucius Pho! pho! you are little better than a coward.
Acres - Mind, gentlemen, he calls me a coward; coward was
the word, by my valor!
Sir Lucius-Well, sir?
Acres - Look'ee, Sir Lucius, 'tisn't that I mind the word cow-
ard - coward may be said in joke. But if you had called me a
poltroon, odds daggers and balls! -
Sir Lucius-Well, sir?
Acres I should have thought you a very ill-bred man.
Sir Lucius
Pho! you are beneath my notice.
Absolute - Nay, Sir Lucius, you can't have a better second
than my friend Acres. He is a most determined dog — called in
the country, Fighting Bob. He generally kills a man a week—
don't you, Bob?
―――――
-
-
Acres Ayat home!
Sir Lucius - Well, then, captain, 'tis we must begin; so come
out, my little counselor, [draws his sword] and ask the gentle-
man whether he will resign the lady, without forcing you to
proceed against him?
Absolute - Come on then, sir: [draws] since you won't let it
be an amicable suit, here's my reply.
Enter Sir Anthony Absolute, David, Mrs. Malaprop, Lydia, and Julia
David-Knock 'em all down, sweet Sir Anthony: knock down
my master in particular, and bind his hands over to their good
behavior!
Sir Anthony-Put up, Jack, put up, or I shall be in a frenzy:
how came you in a duel, sir?
Absolute Faith, sir, that gentleman can tell you better thar
I: 'twas he called on me,- and you know, sir, I serve his Maj-
esty.
-
Sir Anthony-Here's a pretty fellow: I catch him going to cut
a man's throat, and he tells me he serves his Majesty! Zounds,
sirrah! then how durst you draw the King's sword against one of
his subjects?
## p. 13332 (#138) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13332
Absolute-Sir, I tell you that gentleman called me out, with-
out explaining his reasons.
Sir Anthony-Gad, sir! how came you to call my son out,
without explaining your reasons?
Sir Lucius Your son, sir, insulted me in a manner which
my honor could not brook.
Sir Anthony-Zounds, Jack! how durst you insult the gentle-
man in a manner which his honor could not brook?
Mrs. Malaprop-Come, come, let's have no honor before
ladies. Captain Absolute, come here: How could you intimidate
-
us so? Here's Lydia has been terrified to death for you.
Absolute For fear I should be killed, or escape, ma'am?
Mrs. Malaprop - Nay, no delusions to the past: Lydia is con-
vinced. Speak, child.
Sir Lucius - With your leave, ma'am, I must put in a word
here: I believe I could interpret the young lady's silence. Now
mark
Lydia
What is it you mean, sir?
Sir Lucius - Come, come, Delia, we must be serious now:
this is no time for trifling.
Lydia 'Tis true, sir; and your reproof bids me offer this
gentleman my hand, and solicit the return of his affections.
Absolute-O my little angel, say you so! Sir Lucius, I per-
ceive there must be some mistake here with regard to the affront
which you affirm I have given you. I can only say that it could
not have been intentional. And as you must be convinced that
I should not fear to support a real injury, you shall now see that
I am not ashamed to atone for an inadvertency: I ask your par-
don. But for this lady, while honored with her approbation, I
will support my claim against any man whatever.
Sir Anthony-Well said, Jack, and I'll stand by you, my boy.
Acres - Mind, I give up all my claim- I make no pretensions
to anything in the world; and if I can't get a wife without
fighting for her,- by my valor! I'll live a bachelor.
Sir Lucius-Captain, give me your hand: an affront hand-
somely acknowledged becomes an obligation; and as for the lady,
if she chooses to deny her own handwriting, here—
-――――
―――
-
-
-
[Takes out letters.
Mrs. Malaprop- Oh, he will dissolve my mystery! - Sir
Lucius, perhaps there's some mistake-perhaps I can illumi-
nate
## p. 13333 (#139) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13333
Sir Lucius - Pray, old gentlewoman, don't interfere where you
have no business. Miss Languish, are you my Delia or not?
Lydia - Indeed, Sir Lucius, I am not. [Walks aside with
Captain Absolute. ]
Mrs. Malaprop - Sir Lucius O'Trigger - ungrateful as you
are, I own the soft impeachment-pardon my blushes; I am
Delia.
Sir Lucius- You Delia! -pho! pho! be easy.
Mrs. Malaprop-Why, thou barbarous Vandyke! those letters
are mine. When you are more sensible of my benignity, per-
haps I may be brought to encourage your addresses.
Sir Lucius-Mrs. Malaprop, I am extremely sensible of your
condescension; and whether you or Lucy have put this trick on
me, I am equally beholden to you. And to show you I am not
ungrateful, Captain Absolute, since you have taken that lady
from me I'll give you my Delia into the bargain.
Absolute I am much obliged to you, Sir Lucius; but here's
my friend Fighting Bob unprovided for.
Sir Lucius-Hah! little Valor-here, will you make your for-
tune?
Acres Odds wrinkles! No. But give me your hand, Sir
Lucius; forget and forgive: but if ever I give you a chance of
pickling me again, say Bob Acres is a dunce, that's all.
Sir Anthony-Come, Mrs. Malaprop, don't be cast down: you
are in your bloom yet.
Mrs. Malaprop-O Sir Anthony, men are all barbarians.
-
THE SCANDAL CLASS MEETS
From the School for Scandal'
Scene: A room in Lady Sneerwell's house. Lady Sneerwell, Mrs. Candour,
Crabtree, Sir Benjamin Backbite, and Joseph Surface discovered.
ADY SNEER WELL-Nay, positively we will hear it.
LADY
Joseph Surface - Yes, yes, the epigram; by all means.
Sir Benjamin-Oh, plague on't, uncle! 'tis mere nonsense.
Crabtree - No, no; 'fore Gad, very clever for an extempore!
Sir Benjamin - But, ladies, you should be acquainted with the
circumstance. You must know that one day last week, as Lady
## p. 13334 (#140) ##########################################
13334
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Betty Curricle was taking the dust in Hyde Park, in a sort of
duodecimo phaeton, she desired me to write some verses on her
ponies; upon which I took out my pocket-book, and in one mo-
ment produced the following:-
Sure never were seen two such beautiful ponies;
Other horses are clowns, but these macaronies*:
To give them this title I'm sure can't be wrong. -
Their legs are so slim and their tails are so long.
Crabtree - There, ladies: done in the smack of a whip, and on
horseback too.
Joseph Surface - A very Phoebus, mounted-indeed, Sir Ben-
jamin!
Sir Benjamin-O dear, sir! trifles - trifles.
Enter Lady Teazle and Maria
Mrs. Candour
I must have a copy.
Lady Sneerwell— Lady Teazle, I hope we shall see Sir Peter?
Lady Teazle-I believe he'll wait on your Ladyship pres-
ently.
Lady Sneerwell - Maria, my love, you look grave. Come, you
shall sit down to piquet with Mr. Surface.
Maria-I take very little pleasure in cards; however, I'll do
as your Ladyship pleases.
Lady Teazle [aside]-I am surprised Mr. Surface should sit
down with her; I thought he would have embraced this oppor-
tunity of speaking to me before Sir Peter came.
Mrs. Candour-Now I'll die; but you are so scandalous, I'll
forswear your society.
Lady Teazle-What's the matter, Mrs. Candour?
Mrs. Candour-
to be handsome.
Lady Sneerwell-Oh, surely she is a pretty woman.
Crabtree - I am very glad you think so, ma'am.
Mrs. Candour-She has a charming fresh color.
Lady Teasle-Yes, when it is fresh put on.
Mrs. Candour-O fie! I'll swear her color is natural: I have
seen it come and go!
* I. e. , resembling the "Italomaniac» dandies of the day.
They'll not allow our friend Miss Vermilion
## p. 13335 (#141) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13335
Lady Teazle
I dare swear you have, ma'am: it goes off at
night, and comes again in the morning.
Sir Benjamin-True, ma'am: it not only comes and goes, but
what's more, egad, her maid can fetch and carry it!
or was-
- very
Mrs. Candour -Ha! ha! ha! how I hate to hear you talk so!
But surely, now, her sister is-
handsome.
Crabtree - Who? Mrs. Evergreen? O Lord! she's six-and-fifty
if she's an hour!
Mrs. Candour-Now positively you wrong her: fifty-two or
fifty-three is the utmost - and I don't think she looks more.
Sir Benjamin-Ah! there's no judging by her looks, unless
one could see her face.
―――
--
Lady Sneerwell-Well, well, if Mrs. Evergreen does take some
pains to repair the ravages of time, you must allow she effects it
with great ingenuity; and surely that's better than the careless.
manner in which the widow Ochre calks her wrinkles.
Sir Benjamin-Nay, now, Lady Sneerwell, you are severe
upon the widow. Come, come, 'tis not that she paints so ill;
but when she has finished her face, she joins it on so badly to
her neck, that she looks like a mended statue, in which the con-
noisseur may see at once that the head is modern, though the
trunk's antique.
Crabtree Ha! ha! ha! Well said, nephew!
Mrs. Candour-Ha! ha! ha! Well, you make me laugh; but
I vow I hate you for it. What do you think of Miss Simper?
Sir Benjamin-Why, she has very pretty teeth.
Lady Teazle-Yes; and on that account, when she is nei
ther speaking nor laughing (which very seldom happens), she
never absolutely shuts her mouth, but leaves it always ajar, as it
were thus.
[Shows her teeth.
Mrs. Candour. How can you be so ill-natured?
Lady Teazle-Nay, I allow even that's better than the pains
Mrs. Prim takes to conceal her losses in front. She draws her
mouth till it positively resembles the aperture of a poor's-box,
and all her words appear to slide out edgewise, as it were — thus:
"How do you do, madam? Yes, madam. "
[Mimics.
Lady Sneerwell - Very well, Lady Teazle: I see you can be a
little severe.
Lady Teazle-In defense of a friend it is but justice. But
here comes Sir Peter to spoil our pleasantry.
## p. 13336 (#142) ##########################################
13336
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Enter Sir Peter Teazle
Sir Peter Ladies, your most obedient. -[Aside. ] Mercy on
me, here is the whole set! a character dead at every word, I
-
suppose.
Mrs. Candour - I am rejoiced you are come, Sir Peter. They
have been so censorious; and Lady Teazle as bad as any one.
Sir Peter-That must be very distressing to you, indeed,
Mrs. Candour.
Mrs. Candour -Oh, they will allow good qualities to nobody;
not even good-nature to our friend Mrs. Pursy.
Lady Teazle - What, the fat dowager who was at Mrs. Quad-
rille's last night?
Mrs. Candour - Nay, her bulk is her misfortune; and when
she takes so much pains to get rid of it, you ought not to reflect
on her.
Lady Sneerwell-That's very true, indeed.
Lady Teazle - Yes, I know she almost lives on acids and small
whey; laces herself by pulleys; and often, in the hottest noon in
summer, you may see her on a little squat pony, with her hair
plaited up behind like a drummer's, and puffing round the Ring
on a full trot.
Mrs. Candour-I thank you, Lady Teazle, for defending her.
Sir Peter-Yes, a good defense, truly.
Mrs. Candour-Truly, Lady Teazle is as censorious as Miss
Sallow.
Crabtree - Yes; and she is a curious being to pretend to be
censorious, an awkward gawky, without any one good point
under heaven.
Mrs. Candour · Positively you shall not be so very severe.
Miss Sallow is a near relation of mine by marriage: and as for
her person, great allowance is to be made; for let me tell you, a
woman labors under many disadvantages who tries to pass for
a girl of six-and-thirty.
·
Lady Sneerwell—Though, surely, she is handsome still; and
for the weakness in her eyes, considering how much she reads
by candle-light, it is not to be wondered at.
Mrs. Candour- True; and then as to her manner: upon my
word I think it is particularly graceful, considering she never had
the least education; for you know her mother was a Welsh milli-
ner, and her father a sugar-baker at Bristol.
-
## p. 13337 (#143) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13337
Sir Benjamin-Ah! you are both of you too good-natured!
Sir Peter [aside]—Yes, damned good-natured! This their own
relation! mercy on me!
Mrs. Candour - For my part, I own I cannot bear to hear a
friend ill spoken of.
Sir Peter-No, to be sure!
Sir Benjamin-Oh! you are of a moral turn. Mrs. Candour
and I can sit for an hour and hear Lady Stucco talk sentiment.
Lady Teazle-Nay, I vow Lady Stucco is very well with the
dessert after dinner; for she's just like the French fruit one
cracks for mottoes,- made up of paint and proverb.
Mrs. Candour-Well, I will never join in ridiculing a friend;
and so I constantly tell my cousin Ogle,- and you all know what
pretensions she has to be critical on beauty.
Crabtree - Oh, to be sure! she has herself the oddest counte-
nance that ever was seen; 'tis a collection of features from all
the different countries of the globe.
Sir Benjamin-So she has, indeed-an Irish front-
Crabtree - Caledonian locks-
Sir Benjamin-Dutch nose-
Crabtree Austrian lips-
Sir Benjamin-Complexion of a Spaniard-
Crabtree - And teeth à la Chinoise-
――――――――
――――――――
-
-
――――――――――
-
Sir Benjamin-In short, her face resembles a table d'hôte at
Spa, where no two guests are of a nation —
Crabtree - Or a congress at the close of a general war,
wherein all the members, even to her eyes, appear to have a
different interest; and her nose and chin are the only parties
likely to join issue.
Mrs. Candour - Ha! ha! ha!
Sir Peter [aside] - Mercy on my life! - a person they dine
with twice a week!
Mrs. Candour-Nay, but I vow you shall not carry the laugh
off so; for give me leave to say that Mrs. Ogle —
Sir Peter Madam, madam, I beg your pardon—there's no
stopping these good gentlemen's tongues. But when I tell you,
Mrs. Candour, that the lady they are abusing is a particular
friend of mine, I hope you'll not take her part.
Lady Sneerwell-Ha! ha! ha! well said, Sir Peter! but you
are a cruel creature: too phlegmatic yourself for a jest, and too
peevish to allow wit in others.
## p. 13338 (#144) ##########################################
13338
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
Sir Peter-Ah, madam, true wit is more nearly allied to
good-nature than your Ladyship is aware of.
Lady Teazle-True, Sir Peter: I believe they are so near akin
that they can never be united.
Sir Benjamin-Or rather, suppose them man and wife, because
one seldom sees them together.
Lady Teazle-But Sir Peter is such an enemy to scandal, I
believe he would have it put down by Parliament.
Sir Peter-'Fore heaven, madam, if they were to consider the
sporting with reputation of as much importance as poaching on
manors, and pass an act for the preservation of fame as well as
game, believe many would thank them for the bill.
Lady Sneerwell-O Lud, Sir Peter! would you deprive us of
our privileges?
Sir Peter-Ay, madam; and then no person should be per-
mitted to kill characters and run down reputations but qualified.
old maids and disappointed widows.
Lady Sneerwell-Go, you monster!
Mrs. Candour-But surely, you would not be quite so severe
on those who only report what they hear?
Sir Peter-Yes, madam: I would have law-merchant for them.
too; and in all cases of slander currency, whenever the drawer
of the lie was not to be found, the injured parties should have a
right to come on any of the indorsers.
Crabtree - Well, for my part, I believe there never was a
scandalous tale without some foundation.
Lady Sneerwell-Come, ladies, shall we sit down to cards in
the next room?
Enter Servant, who whispers Sir Peter
Sir Peter-I'll be with them directly. [Exit servant. ] [Aside. ]
I'll get away unperceived.
Lady Sneerwell - Sir Peter, you are not going to leave us?
Sir Peter-Your Ladyship must excuse me: I'm called away
by particular business. But I leave my character behind me.
[Exit.
Sir Benjamin - Well - certainly, Lady Teazle, that lord of
yours is a strange being: I could tell you some stories of him
would make you laugh heartily if he were not your husband.
Lady Teazle - Oh, pray don't mind that: come, do let's hear
them.
## p. 13339 (#145) ##########################################
RICHARD BRINSLEY SHERIDAN
13339
Exeunt all but Joseph Surface and Maria
Joseph Surface - Maria, I see you have no satisfaction in this
society.
Maria - How is it possible I should? If to raise malicious
smiles at the infirmities or misfortunes of those who have never
injured us be the province of wit or humor, Heaven grant me a
double portion of dullness!
Joseph Surface-Yet they appear more ill-natured than they
are: they have no malice at heart.
Maria - Then is their conduct still more contemptible; for
in my opinion, nothing could excuse the intemperance of their
tongues but a natural and uncontrollable bitterness of mind.
MATRIMONIAL FELICITY
From the School for Scandal >
Scene: A room in Sir Peter Teazle's house. Enter Sir Peter Teazle.
SIR
IR PETER — When an old bachelor marries a young wife, what
is he to expect? 'Tis now six months since Lady Teazle
made me the happiest of men - and I have been the most
miserable dog ever since. We tift a little going to church, and
fairly quarreled before the bells had done ringing. I was more
than once nearly choked with gall during the honeymoon, and
had lost all comfort in life before my friends had done wishing
me joy.
joy. Yet I chose with caution: a girl bred wholly in the
country, who never knew luxury beyond one silk gown, nor dis-
sipation above the annual gala of a race ball. Yet she now
plays her part in all the extravagant fopperies of fashion and the
town with as ready a grace as if she never had seen a bush or a
grassplot out of Grosvenor Square! I am sneered at by all my
acquaintance, and paragraphed in the newspapers. She dissipates
my fortune, and contradicts all my humors; yet the worst of it
is, I doubt I love her, or I should never bear all this. However,
I'll never be weak enough to own it.
Enter Rowley
Rowley-Oh! Sir Peter, your servant: how is it with you, sir?
Sir Peter-Very bad, Master Rowley, very bad.
