No More Learning

_Pe. _ Why so? Wherefore.

_Ch. _ I'll come provided. I'll come prepar'd. I'll set upon you
accoutred. I'll come furnish'd with a sharp Stomach; do you take Care
that you have enough to satisfy a Vulture. I'll prepare my Belly and
whet my Teeth; do you look to it, to get enough to satisfy a Wolf.

_Pe. _ Come and welcome, I dare you to it. Come on, if you can do any
Thing, do it to your utmost, with all your Might.

_Ch. _ I'll come, but I won't come alone.

_Pe. _ You shall be the more welcome for that; but who will you bring
with you?

_Ch. _ My _Umbra_.

_Pe. _ You can't do otherwise if you come in the Day Time.

_Ch. _ Ay, but I'll bring one _Umbra_ or two that have got Teeth, that
you shan't have invited me for nothing.

_Pe. _ Well, do as you will, so you don't bring any Ghosts along with
you. But if you please explain what is the Meaning of the Word _Umbra_.

_Ch. _ Among the Learned they are call'd _Umbræ_, who being uninvited,
bear another Person, that is invited, Company to a Feast.

_Pe. _ Well, bring such Ghosts along with you as many as you will.

* * * * *

_I promise upon this Condition. _

_Ch. _ Well, I will come, but upon this Condition, that you shall come to
Supper with me the next Day. I will do it upon this Condition that you
shall be my Guest afterwards. Upon that Condition I promise to come to
Supper, that you again shall be my Guest. I promise I will, but upon
these Terms, that you in the like Manner shall be my Guest the next Day.
I promise I will, I give you my Word I will, upon this Consideration,
that you dine with me the next Day.

_Pe. _ Come on, let it be done, let it be so. It shall be as you would
have it. If you command me, I'll do it. I know the _French_ Ambition,
You won't sup with me, but you'll make me Amends for it. And so by this
Means Feasts use to go round. From hence it comes to pass, that it is a
long Time before we have done feasting one with another. By this
Interchangeableness Feasts become reciprocal without End.

_Ch. _ It is the pleasantest Way of Living in the World, if no more
Provision be made, but what is used to be made daily. But, I detain you,
it may be, when you are going some whither.

_Pe. _ Nay, I believe, I do you. But we'll talk more largely and more
freely to Morrow. But we'll divert ourselves to Morrow more plentifully.
In the mean Time take Care of your Health. In the mean Time take Care to
keep yourself in good Health. Farewell till then.

* * * * *

_Whither are you going? The Form. _

_Ch. _ Where are you a going now? Whither are you going so fast? Where
are you a going in such great Haste. Whither go you? What's your Way?

* * * * *

_I go Home. The Form. _

_Pe. _ I go Home. I return Home. I go to see what they are a doing at
Home. I go to call a Doctor. I am going into the Country. I made an
Appointment just at this Time to go to speak with a certain great Man. I
made an Appointment to meet a great Man at this Time.

_Ch. _ Whom?

_Pe. _ Talkative _Curio_.

_Ch. _ I wish you _Mercury_'s Assistance.

_Pe. _ What need of _Mercury_'s Assistance?

_Ch. _ Because you have to do with a Man of Words.

_Pe. _ Then it were more proper to wish the Assistance of the Goddess
_Memoria_.

_Ch. _ Why so?

_Pe. _ Because you'll have more Occasion for patient Ears, than a
strenuous Tongue. And the Ear is dedicated to the Goddess _Memoria_.

_Ch. _ Whither are you going? Whither will you go?

_Pe. _ This Way, to the left Hand. This Way, that Way, through the
Market.

_Ch. _ Then I'll bear you Company as far as the next Turning.

_Pe. _ I won't let you go about. You shan't put yourself to so much
Trouble on my Account. Save that Trouble till it shall be of Use, it is
altogether unnecessary at this Time. Don't go out of your Way upon my
Account.

_Ch. _ I reckon I save my Time while I enjoy the Company of so good a
Friend. I have nothing else to do, and I am not so lazy, if my Company
won't be troublesome.

_Pe. _ No Body is a more pleasant Companion. But I won't suffer you to go
on my left Hand. I won't let you walk on my left Hand. Here I bid God be
with you. I shall not bear you Company any longer. You shan't go further
with me.

* * * * *

_A Form of Recommending. _

_Ch. _ Recommend me kindly to _Curio_. Recommend me as kindly as may be
to talkative _Curio_. Take Care to recommend me heartily to _Curio_. I
desire you have me recommended to him. I recommend myself to him by you.
I recommend myself to you again and again. I recommend myself to your
Favour with all the Earnestness possible. Leave _recommendo_ instead of
_commendo_ to _Barbarians_. See that you don't be sparing of your
Speech with one that is full of Tongue. See that you be not of few Words
with him that is a Man of many Words.

* * * * *

_A Form of Obsequiousness. _

_Pe. _ Would you have me obey you? Would you have me be obedient? Shall I
obey you? Then you command me to imitate you. Since you would have it
so, I'll do it with all my Heart. Don't hinder me any longer; don't let
us hinder one another.

_Ch. _ But before you go, I intreat you not to think much to teach me how
I must use these Sentences, _in morâ, in causâ, in culpâ_; you use to be
studious of Elegancy. Wherefore come on, I entreat you teach me; explain
it to me, I love you dearly.

* * * * *

_In Culpâ, In Causâ, In Morâ. _

_Pe. _ I must do as you would have me. The Fault is not in me. It is not
in thee. The Delay is in thee. Thou art the Cause, is indeed
grammatically spoken; these are more elegant.


_In Culpâ. _

I am not in the Fault. The Fault is not mine. I am without Fault. Your
Idleness has been the Cause, that you have made no Proficiency, not your
Master nor your Father. You are all in Fault. You are both in Fault. You
are both to be blam'd. Ye are both to be accus'd. You have gotten this
Distemper by your own ill Management. In like Manner they are said to be
_in vitio_, to whom the Fault is to be imputed; and _in crimine_, they
who are to be blam'd; and _in damno_, who are Losers. This sort of
Phrase is not to be inverted commonly; _Damnum in illo est. Vitium in
illo est. _


* * * * *

_In Causâ. _

Sickness has been the Occasion that I have not written to you. My
Affairs have been the Cause that I have written to you so seldom, and
not Neglect. What was the Cause? What Cause was there? I was not the
Cause. The Post-Man was in the Fault that you have had no Letters from
me. Love and not Study is the Cause of your being so lean. This is the
Cause.


_In Morâ. _

I won't hinder you. What has hinder'd you? You have hindred us. You are
always a Hindrance. What hindred you? Who has hindred you? You have what
you ask'd for. It is your Duty to remember it. You have the Reward of
your Respect. Farewell, my _Christian_.

_Ch. _ And fare you well till to Morrow, my _Peter_.

* * * * *

_At Meeting. _

_CHRISTIAN, AUSTIN. _

_Ch. _ God save you heartily, sweet _Austin_.

_Au. _ I wish the same to you, most kind _Christian_. Good Morrow to you.
I wish you a good Day; but how do you do?

_Ch. _ Very well as Things go, and I wish you what you wish for.

_Au. _ I love you deservedly. I love thee. Thou deservest to be lov'd
heartily. Thou speakest kindly. Thou art courteous. I give thee Thanks.

* * * * *

_I am angry with thee. The Form. _

_Ch. _ But I am something angry with you. But I am a little angry with
you. But I am a little provok'd at you.
I have something to be angry
with you for.


* * * * *

_For what Cause. The Form. _

_Au. _ I pray what is it? Why so? But why, I beseech you? What Crime have
I committed? What have I done? _Promereor bona_, I deserve Good;
_Commereor mala_, I deserve Ill, or Punishment: The one is used in a
good Sense, and the other in an ill. _Demeremur eum_, is said of him
that we have attach'd to us by Kindness.


* * * * *

_Because you don't Regard me. _

_Ch. _ Because you take no Care of me. Because you don't regard me.
Because you come to see us so seldom. Because you wholly neglect us.
Because you quite neglect me. Because you seem to have cast off all Care
of us.

_Au. _ But there is no Cause for you to be angry. But you are angry
without my Desert, and undeservedly; for it has not been my Fault, that
I have come to see you but seldom: Forgive my Hurry of Business that has
hindered me from seeing you, as often as I would have done.

_Ch. _ I will pardon you upon this Condition, if you'll come to Supper
with me to Night. I'll quit you upon that Condition, if you come to
Supper with me in the Evening.

_Au. Christian_, you prescribe no hard Articles of Peace, and therefore
I'll come with all my Heart. Indeed I will do it willingly. Indeed I
would do that with all Readiness in the World. I shan't do that
unwillingly. I won't want much Courting to that. There is nothing in the
World that I would do with more Readiness. I will do it with a willing
Mind.

_Ch. _ I commend your obliging Temper in this, and in all other Things.

_Au. _ I use always to be thus obsequious to my Friends, especially when
they require nothing but what's reasonable. O ridiculous! Do you think I
would refuse when offer'd me, that which I should have ask'd for of my
own Accord?



* * * * *

_Don't deceive me. The Form. _

_Ch. _ Well, but take Care you don't delude me. See you don't deceive me.
Take Care you don't make me feed a vain Hope. See you don't fail my
Expectation. See you don't disappoint me. See you don't lull me on with
a vain Hope.

_Au. _ There is no Need to swear. In other Things, in other Matters you
may be afraid of Perfidy. In this I won't deceive you. But hark you, see
that you provide nothing but what you do daily: I would have no holy Day
made upon my Account. You know that I am a Guest that am no great
Trencher Man, but a very merry Man.

_Ch. _ I'll be sure to take Care. I will entertain you with Scholars
Commons, if not with slenderer Fare.

_Au. _ Nay, if you'd please me, let it be with _Diogenes_'s Fare.

_Ch. _ You may depend upon it, I will treat you with a _Platonick_
Supper, in which you shall have a great many learned Stories, and but a
little Meat, the Pleasure of which shall last till the next Day: whereas
they that have been nobly entertain'd, enjoy perhaps a little Pleasure
that Day, but the next are troubled with the Head-ach, and Sickness at
the Stomach. He that supp'd with _Plato_, had one Pleasure from the easy
Preparation, and Philosopher's Stories; and another the next Day, that
his Head did not ach, and that his Stomach was not sick, and so had a
good Dinner of the sauce of last Night's Supper.

_Au. _ I like it very well, let it be as you have said.

_Ch. _ Do you see that you leave all your Cares and melancholy Airs at
Home, and bring nothing hither but Jokes and Merriment; and as _Juvenal_
says,

_Protenus ante meum, quicquid dolet, exue limen.

Lay all that troubles you down before my Door, before you come into it. _

_Au. _ What? Would you have me bring no Learning along with me? I will
bring my Muses with me, unless you think it not convenient.

_Ch. _ Shut up your ill-natured Muses at Home with your Business, but
bring your good-natured Muses, all your witty Jests, your By-words, your
Banters, your Pleasantries, your pretty Sayings, and all your
Ridiculosities along with you.

_Au. _ I'll do as you bid me; put on all my best Looks. We'll be merry
Fellows. We'll laugh our Bellies full. We'll make much of ourselves.
We'll feast jovially. We'll play the _Epicureans_. We'll set a good Face
on't, and be boon Blades. These are fine Phrases of clownish Fellows
that have a peculiar Way of speaking to themselves.

_Ch. _ Where are you going so fast?

_Au. _ To my Son's in Law.

_Ch. _ What do you do there? Why thither? What do you with him?

_Au. _ I hear there is Disturbance among them; I am going to make them
Friends again, to bring them to an Agreement; to make Peace among them.

_Ch. _ You do very well, though I believe they don't want you; for they
will make the Matter up better among themselves.

_Au. _ Perhaps there is a Cessation of Arms, and the Peace is to be
concluded at Night. But have you any Thing else to say to me?

_Ch. _ I will send my Boy to call you.

_Au. _ When you please. I shall be at Home. Farewell.

_Ch. _ I wish you well. See that you be here by five a-Clock. Soho
_Peter_, call _Austin_ to Supper, who you know promised to come to
Supper with me to Day.

_Pe. _ Soho! Poet, God bless you, Supper has been ready this good While,
and my Master stays for you at Home, you may come when you will.

_Au. _ I come this Minute.




_The PROFANE FEAST. _


The ARGUMENT.

_Our_ Erasmus _most elegantly proposes all the Furniture
of this Feast; the Discourses and Behaviour of the
Entertainer and the Guests_, &c. _Water and a Bason
before Dinner. The_ Stoics, _the_ Epicureans; _the Form
of the Grace at Table. It is good Wine that pleases four
Senses. Why_ Bacchus _is the Poets God; why he is painted
a Boy. Mutton very wholsome. That a Man does not live by
Bread and Wine only. Sleep makes some Persons fat.
Venison is dear. Concerning Deers, Hares, and Geese: They
of old defended the Capitol at_ Rome. _Of Cocks, Capons
and Fishes. Here is discoursed of by the by, Fasting. Of
the Choice of Meats. Some Persons Superstition in that
Matter. The Cruelty of those Persons that require these
Things of those Persons they are hurtful to; when the
eating of Fish is neither necessary, nor commanded by
Christ. The eating of Fish is condemned by Physicians.
The chief Luxury of old Time consisted in Fishes. We
should always live a sober Life. What Number of Guests
there should be at an Entertainment. The Bill of Fare of
the second Course. The Magnificence of the_ French. _The
ancient Law of Feasts. Either drink, or begone. A
Variation of Phrases. Thanksgiving after Meat. _


AUSTIN, CHRISTIAN, _a_ BOY.

_Au. _ O, my _Christian_, God bless you.

_Ch. _ It is very well that you are come. I am glad you're come. I
congratulate myself that you are come. I believe it has not struck five
yet.

_Boy. _ Yes, it is a good While past five. It is not far from six. It is
almost six. You'll hear it strike six presently.

_Au. _ It is no great Matter whether I come before five or after five, as
long as I am not come after Supper; for that is a miserable Thing, to
come after a Feast is over. What's all this great Preparation for? What
means all this Provision? What, do you think I'm a Wolf? Do you take me
for a Wolf? Do you think I'm a Vulture?

_Ch. _ Not a Vulture, nor yet do I think you a Grashopper, to live upon
Dew. Here is nothing of Extravagancy, I always lov'd Neatness, and abhor
Slovenliness. I am for being neither luxurious nor niggardly. We had
better leave than lack. If I dress'd but one Dish of Peas, and the Soot
should chance to fall in the Pot and spoil it, what should we have to
eat then? Nor does every Body love one Thing; therefore I love a
moderate Variety.

_Au. _ An't you afraid of the sumptuary Laws?

_Ch. _ Nay, I most commonly offend on the contrary Side. There is no need
of the _Fannian_ Law at our House. The Slenderness of my Income teaches
me Frugality sufficiently.

_Au. _ This is contrary to our Agreement. You promised me quite
otherwise.

_Ch. _ Well, Mr. Fool, you don't stand to your Agreement. For it was
agreed upon that you should bring nothing but merry Tales. But let us
have done with these Matters, and wash, and sit down to Supper. Soho,
Boy, bring a little Water and a Bason; hang a Towel over your Shoulder,
pour out some Water. What do you loiter for? Wash, _Austin_.

_Au. _ Do you wash first.

_Ch. _ Pray excuse me. I had rather eat my Supper with unwashen Hands
this twelve Months.

_Au. _ O ridiculous! 'Tis not he that is the most honourable, but he
that is the dirtiest that should wash first; then do you wash as the
dirtiest.

_Ch. _ You are too complaisant. You are more complaisant than enough;
than is fitting. But to what Purpose is all this Ceremony? Let us leave
these trifling Ceremonies to Women, they are quite kick'd out of the
Court already, although they came from thence at first. Wash three or
four at a Time. Don't let us spend the Time in these Delays. I won't
place any Body, let every one take what Place he likes best. He that
loves to sit by the Fire, will sit best here. He that can't bear the
Light let him take this Corner.