A last look to make sure
all is as it should be before taking Yourself off to look
'--' .
all is as it should be before taking Yourself off to look
'--' .
Samuel Beckett
Bared auain.
t"'" t"'
If he \\'('re to utter after all? Hm\"ever fCl'bh. What an addition to compan: that '\'ould ])('! You an- on \our hack in tIll' dark and one day you \\illultn again.
One da\! In the enJ. In the end \UU \\ill lltt,'r again. Yes I rememher. That ,\'as 1. That was I then.
You are alone in the garden. Your mother is in the
kitchen making read: for afternoon tea with Mrs.
Cuote. Making tIll' wafer-thin breaJ and butter. From
behind a bush YOU '\'atch Mrs. Coote arrive. A small
thin sour woman. Your mother answers her sa\ing, He
,L
is pIa:ing in the garden. You climb to near the top of
a great fir. You sit a little listening to all the sounds.
Then throw yourself off. The great boughs break your ~ ~G•
fall. The needles. You lie a little \\'ith \ our face to the ground. Then climb the tree again. Your mother answers Mrs. Coote again saring, He has been a ven naughty bo:'.
What with what feeling remains does he feel about '-'
now as compared to then? When with what judgement remained he judged his condition final. As well inquire what he felt then about then as compared to before. When he still moved or tarried in remains of ligh1. As then there was no then so there is none now.
16
17
,,
,
lJ3 i~:~~~tY
In another dark or in the same another devising it all for compam. This at first sight seems clear. But as the cw dwells it grO\rs obscure. Indeed the longer the e\ e dvv'ells the obscurer it grows. Till the ew closes and
green stiff with age and grime from chin to in~tel)s. GLL1
Battered once buff block hat and ({uarter hoots still a
match. No other garments if am to J)(, Sl'l'n. Out sincl'
break of day and night nO\\' falling. HJ'ckoning ended
•LLl
L.
freed from pore the mind inquires, What does this
.
mean? What finalh' does this mean that at first sight
L
seemed clear? Till it the mind too closes as it ,,'ere. As
the window might close of a dark empty roonl. The
single windo\\' giving on outer dark. Then nothing GGGL
more. No. Cnhappil:' no. Pangs of faint light and stirrings still. Cnformulable gropings of the mind. C nstillable.
Nowhere in particular on the wa:' from A to Z. Or say for verisimilitude the Balh'ogan Road. That dear
. '-"
old back road. Somewhere on the Balh'ogan Road in
. '-"
lieu of nowhere in particular. Where no truck aIlY more. Somewhere on the Balh'ogan Road on the way'
. '-"
from A to Z. Head sunk totting up the tall:' on the verge of the ditch. Foothills to left. Croker's Acres ahead. Father's shade to right and a little to the rear. So many times already round the earth. Topcoat once
aside. \\;hen suddenl: :ou cut through the hedge and vanish hohbling east across the gallops.
For why or? Why in another dark or in the same'?
AmI whose voice asking this? \Vho asks, \rhosl' yoice
asking this? And answers, His soeyer \\ho deyises it
all. In the same dark as his creature or in another. For
compan:'. Who asks in the end, \Vho asks? c\. ml in Lhe
end answers as aboye? And adds long after to himself,
Cnless another stilL J'\owhere to be found. ::\O\\'here
to be sought. The unthinkable last of alL Cnnamablc'. '-"
Last person. 1. Quick leaye him.
The light there was then. On \ our back in the dark
'-" .
the light there was then. Sunless cloudless brightness.
L '-"
You slip awa: at break of da: and climb to : our hiding place on the hillside. A nook in the gorse. East be:ond
18
19
on together from nought ane\\'. A. s if hound for Stl'll-
LLr
the ::wa the faint shape of high mountain. Seventy miles a\ya\ accordinu to \our LOlwman. For lhe third or
t"'
fourth linw in your life. TIll' 11rsl time vou lold them
and I\('n' dnided. All \ ou had Sl'en \I-as cloud. So nOlI \ au hoard it in \ our lwnrt Iyith the re",t. Back hOllle at nightfall supperle",s to Iwd. You lie in the dark and are ! Jack in that light. Straining oul hom your nest in tilt'
lJL•
f! :0r"'l' \yith : our (>:es across the \Iater till Lhe\ aellC'.
Y O ll closl' tlwlll while :'ou count a hundred. TIll'n open
and strain again. ~\gain and again. Till in the end il is LLL
there. Palest hlue against the pale sk:. You lie in th('
dark and are back in that light. Fall asleep in that sun
Il>::;::; cloudle::;s light. SleeJ-) till lllorning light.
LLL
Deviser of the voice and of its hearer aUlI of himself. Deviser of himself for compan:. Leave it at that. He speaks of himself as of another. He sa:s speaking of himself, He speaks of himself as of another. Himself he devise~ too for compan:. Leave it at that. Confusion too is campan: up to a point. Better hope deferred than none. Cl' to a point. Till the heart starts to sicken. Compan: too up to a point. Better a sick heart than
none. Till it starts to l)l"t~ak. So speaking of himself Iw concludes for the time heing, For thl~ tinll' I)('ino 1<'a\T
it at that.
In the "anw dark as his creatllre or in another not \el imagined. ! \or in what po"ition. \\/I1('tlwr "tanding
• l. . l
or sitting or hing or in somp other po"ilion in the dark. Tlwse are among the matters wt 10 1)(' imagined. 'VIal-
L,,
tel'S of which as :-t'! no inkling. The tl,,,t is ('olllpall\.
Which of Ihe t\IO darks is tlw I)et\er compall\. \\ hieh
of all imaginahle positions ha" the most to oiT(T in Ih('
wa\ of compall\. And ",imilarh for tlw othn nHlt\lT"
\et 10 he inwIJinell. Such a" if "ueh dcci"iOlh irn' . t"'
vnsihle. Let him for e\. amplc- af\('r dll(' imaginatioll
decid(' in fa\our of tIll' "'lIpine po"ition or prone and
\hi" in pral'ti('l' pr()\(' le"s companionahle Ihan antici
palell. Ma\ Iw Ih(']} or Illa: Ii(' nol rcplacl' il h\ an
othlT'? Snl'll a" hlllldled Ilith hi", leg" dnmn IIp Ilithin
Ilw ::;cll1i-cirde of hi" arlll" and his ]wacl on hi", klllT". Or
in nlUtion. Crmding on all roms. \notlwr in anotlwr
dark or in Ih,' "LUll<' lTalllinu on all fOllr" d('visilw il all ~-~
for ('(lI11pan\. Or "Olll(' otlwr forlll of l1lolion. 'I'll(' })O,,
.
c.
,~
20
21
sible encounters. A dead rat. What an addition to com pan:- that would be! A rat long dead.
Might not the hearer be improved? Made more com
panionable if not downright human. Mentall:- perhaps
there is room for enlivenment. An attempt at reflexion
at least. At recall. At speech even. Conation of some
kind however feeble. A trace of emotion. Signs of dis
tress. A sense of failure. Without loss of character.
Delicate ground. But phpically? Must he lie inert to
the end? Onl:- the e)-elids stirring on and off since tech
nically they must. To let in and shut out the dark.
Might he not cross his feet? On and off. :Now left on
right and now a little later the reverse. No. Quite out of '--'
keeping. He lie with crossed feet? One glance dispels. Some movement of the hands? A hand. A clenching and unclenching. Difficult to justif:-. Or raised to brush away a fly. But there are no flies. Then why not let there be? The temptation is great. Let there be a fl:-. For him to brush away. A live fly mistaking him for dead. Made aware of its error and renewing it inconti nent. What an addition to compan: that would be! A
live fl:- mistaking him for dead. But no. He would not brush away a fl\-.
You take pit:- on a hedgehog out in the cold and put
it in an old hatbox with some worms. This box with
the hog inside you then place in a disused hutch wedg
ing the door open for the poor creature to come and
go at will. To go in search of food and having eaten to
regain the 'warmth and securit:- of its box in the hutch.
There then is the hedgehog in its box in the hutch with
enough worms to tide it over.
A last look to make sure
all is as it should be before taking Yourself off to look
'--' .
for something else to pass the time heayy all'ead: on
your hands at that tender age. The glow at \our good • LL•L
deed is slower than usual to cool and fade. You glowed c.
22
2:3
'. L.
readily in those days but seldom for long. Hardh had
the glow been kindled by some good deed on your
"L
part or b:- some little triumph over :'our rivals or b:- a
L
•
word of praise from :-our parents or mentors when it would begin to cool and fade leaving YOU in a very
L '-••
short time as chill and dim as before. Even in those days. But not this day. It was on an autumn afternoon
:-ou found the hedgehog and took pit: on it in the way
described and YOU were still the better for it when your
bedtime came. Kneeling at :-our bedside you included
it the hedgehog in :-our detailed pra:-er to God to bless
all :ou loyed. And tossing in : our \mrm bed \raiting
for sleep to come YOU were still faintl:- glowing at the
thought of what a fortunate hedgehog it Ims to haw
'- '- '
crossed : our path as it did. A narrow clay path ed~l'd
with sere box edging. As \-oU stood th['[e \Hllllll'ring
how Lest to pass the time till hedtime it parted the
l'dging on the one side and was making straight for the L~ L~
edging on the other when \OU entf'n,d its life. 1\ow the
l'-•
next morning not onl:- was the glow spent Lut a great Ulwasiness had taken its place. A suspicion that all was perhaps not as it should Ill'. That rather than do as :ou did :ou had pl'rhaps betkr let ~ood alone and the hedgehog pursue its wa\. Da\s if not weeks passell before YOU could bring :-onrself to return to the hutch. You have never for~otten what \ LHI fouml tlwn. You are on :-our hack in the dark and have lWVcr forgotten
what YOU found then. The mush. The st(·lll'h.
Impending for some time the following. Need for
2-1
25
compan: not continuous. Moments when his own un
relieved a relief. Intrusion of voice at such. Similarh
image of hearer. Similarly his own. Regret then at
having brought them ahout and problem how dispel
them. Finally what meant by his own unrelieved?
What possible relief? Leave it at that for the moment.
"
Let the hearer be named H. Aspirate. Haitch. You Haitch are on your back in the dark. And let him know his name. No longer an:- question of his overhearing. Of his not being meant. Though logicall:- none in an: case. Of words murmured in his ear to wonder if to him! So he is. So that faint uneasiness lost. That faint hope. To one with so few occasions to feel. So inapt to feel. Asking nothing better in so far as he can ask any- thing than to feel nothing. Is it desirable? No. Would he gain thereby in companionabilit:-? No. Then let him not be named H. Let him be again as he was. The hearer. Unnamable. You.
Imagine closer the place where he lies. Within rea
"on. To it,,; form and dillll'n"ion,,; a ('hl(' i,,; ~iY('n 1)\ tIll' Y()ice afar. ]{('(·('din<l afar or th<Te \Iith aln'll}lt ,,;altation
t'"
or re"llming there aft<T pau"e. From ahoY(' ami from
that for the mOllll:nt. Adding onh, \Vhat kind of L.
imagination is this so rpason-ridden? A kind of it" o\ln.
\notlwr devitiing it all for compam. In the "ame dark as his creature or in another. Quick ill1a~ine. TIll' same.
Might not the voice be improved? Made m01'(' com
panionable. Sa: changing nO\l' for some time past
though no tense in the dark in that dim mind. \11 at
L
once over and in train and to come. But for the other
say for some time past some improYement. Same flat
tone as initial! : imagined and same repetitiousn('ss.
Na improving those. But less mobilit\,. Less varid: of
faintness. As if seeking optimum position. From "hich
to discharge with greatest effect. The ideal amplitude
for effortless audition. Neither offending the ear \I'ith
all ,,;ide,,; amI 1('Y('I:-: \lith ('(iual n'lllot('lW";,, al it,,; 111O"t n'llwte. :\t no til11e from helow. So far. SWl(fe"till(f one
t""'t"' . l '
I: ing on tIw flo01' of a ll<'mi,,;plH'rical chamlwr of ~l~n-
<TOUS dianH'ter \I'ith ear dead ('entre. HO\l (T('nerous?
"
GiY('n faintness of yoice at its least faint ,,;onw sixl\
flTt tihould suffice or thirl\ from ear to an\ gi\('n
point of ('ncolllpassing surface. So much for form and
dimensions. And composition? \\'hat and wh<Te clue
to that if an\ an\"\vhere. Rpspryp for till:' moment.
Basalt is tempting. Black basalt. But reserve for the
moment. So he imagines to himself as yoice and hearer
}Jall. But furtlwr imagination shows him to have imag.
LL
ined ill. For "ith what right affirm of a faint sound that
L
it is a less faint made fainter by farness and not a true faint near at hand? Or of a faint fading to fainter that it recedes and not in situ decreases. If with none then no light from the voice on the place where our old hearer lips. In immeasurable dark. Contourless. Leave it at
26
27
loudness nor through converse ('xcpss constraining it LLL
to strain. How far more companionable such an organ than it initiall:' in haste imagined. How far more like! : to achieve its object. To have the hearer have a past and
acknowledw' il. You \\(°re born on an Ea::iter Frida, after long: labour. Ye::i I rCllll'lllJWr. TJl<' ::iUI1 had not
long: sunk J)(,hind t\1<' ]arcJw,. ,. Y(,,. , 1 n'U1<'I11])(,r. ;\,. ,
to erode the drop lllU,. ,t strike lm\lu\Trll1g. lpou tlw plae(' J)('neath.
The last time \OU \n'nt out the SI1O\\ la\ on the
g:round. You nO\l~ on your back in the dark stand that
morning on the sill haYing pulled the door g:entl: to
IJt'hind )au. You lean hack against the door \lith
ture afrolic with lambs in spring and strewn with red
placentae. You take the course you always take which
is a beeline for the gap or ragged point in the quick
set that forms the western fringe. Thither from )~our
entering the pasture you need normally from eig:hteen
hundred to two thousand paces depending on lour
humour and the state of the ground. But on this last
morning many more will be reciuired. Man) Illam
more. The beeline is so familiar to \our feet that if
necessary the) could keep to it and you sightless \lith
error on arrival of not more than a few fed north or
south. And indeed without am such tl<'cessit\ unless
from within this is what they normalh do and not onh
here. For you advance if not with closed e\es though
. . .
this as often as not at least \I~ith them fixed on the mo mentan ground lwfore \'our feet. That is all of nature
. . .
you ha\'e seen. Siuee finalh~ YOU I)()\\ed \our head. The fleeting ground befon~ . \our fed. From time to timt'. You do not count :~oursteps am more. For the ::iimple reason the\' number each da\ the same. Ayerage day
bO\led head making read\ to sd out. D\ tIl(' time \OU
L. ••
open:our t':('S your ft'et haw disappeared and the
skirts of your greatcoat come to rest on the surface of
the ::inow. Tllt' dark scene seems lit from bclo\L You
see :~oursdfat that last outset leaning against thf~ door
with closed e)es waiting for the word from :ou to go.
To be gone. Then the snowlit scene. You lie in the dark
with closed ews and see yourself there as described
. .
making ready to strike out and awa)~across the expanse of light. You hear again the click of the door pulled gently to and the silence before the steps can start. Next thing you an~ on )'our way across the white pas
being ahm\s the same. You keep count of the cia)s and ewn tenth da\ multi
28
29
])(',~[
in da\ out the same. The
. . '---.
\I~a\~
pl}-. And add. Your father's shade is not with :ou an} more. It fell out long ago. You do not hear your foot
~~.
falls an:- more. Unhearing unseeing :ou go }our wa:. Dav after day. The same way. As if there were no other any more. For you there is no other any more. You used never to halt e"\:cept to make :-our reckoning. So as to plod on from nought ant'w. This need removed as we have seen there is none in theory to halt any more. Save perhaps a moment at the outermost point. To gatlwr yourself together for the rt'turn. And vet
not at the time. The dark cope of sky. The dazzling land. You at a standstill in the midst. The quarter boots sunk to the tops. The skirts of the greatcoat resting on the snow. In the old bowed head in the old block hat speechless misgiving. Halfwa: across the pasture on : our beeline to the gap. The unerring feet fast. You look behind \-OU as \-OU could not then and
see their trail. A great swerve. Withershins. Almost as if all at once the heart too heav\. In the end too heav\.
Bloom of adulthood. Imagine a whiff of that. On
~
your back in the dark \OU remember. Ah vou \OU re member. Cloudless May da\-. She joins you in the little
.
summerhouse. A rustic hexahedron. Entireh of logs.
• <
Both larch and fir. Si"\: feet across. Eight from floor to
~
verte"\:. Area twent:-four square feet to furthest deci mal. Two small multicoloured lights vis-a.
If he \\'('re to utter after all? Hm\"ever fCl'bh. What an addition to compan: that '\'ould ])('! You an- on \our hack in tIll' dark and one day you \\illultn again.
One da\! In the enJ. In the end \UU \\ill lltt,'r again. Yes I rememher. That ,\'as 1. That was I then.
You are alone in the garden. Your mother is in the
kitchen making read: for afternoon tea with Mrs.
Cuote. Making tIll' wafer-thin breaJ and butter. From
behind a bush YOU '\'atch Mrs. Coote arrive. A small
thin sour woman. Your mother answers her sa\ing, He
,L
is pIa:ing in the garden. You climb to near the top of
a great fir. You sit a little listening to all the sounds.
Then throw yourself off. The great boughs break your ~ ~G•
fall. The needles. You lie a little \\'ith \ our face to the ground. Then climb the tree again. Your mother answers Mrs. Coote again saring, He has been a ven naughty bo:'.
What with what feeling remains does he feel about '-'
now as compared to then? When with what judgement remained he judged his condition final. As well inquire what he felt then about then as compared to before. When he still moved or tarried in remains of ligh1. As then there was no then so there is none now.
16
17
,,
,
lJ3 i~:~~~tY
In another dark or in the same another devising it all for compam. This at first sight seems clear. But as the cw dwells it grO\rs obscure. Indeed the longer the e\ e dvv'ells the obscurer it grows. Till the ew closes and
green stiff with age and grime from chin to in~tel)s. GLL1
Battered once buff block hat and ({uarter hoots still a
match. No other garments if am to J)(, Sl'l'n. Out sincl'
break of day and night nO\\' falling. HJ'ckoning ended
•LLl
L.
freed from pore the mind inquires, What does this
.
mean? What finalh' does this mean that at first sight
L
seemed clear? Till it the mind too closes as it ,,'ere. As
the window might close of a dark empty roonl. The
single windo\\' giving on outer dark. Then nothing GGGL
more. No. Cnhappil:' no. Pangs of faint light and stirrings still. Cnformulable gropings of the mind. C nstillable.
Nowhere in particular on the wa:' from A to Z. Or say for verisimilitude the Balh'ogan Road. That dear
. '-"
old back road. Somewhere on the Balh'ogan Road in
. '-"
lieu of nowhere in particular. Where no truck aIlY more. Somewhere on the Balh'ogan Road on the way'
. '-"
from A to Z. Head sunk totting up the tall:' on the verge of the ditch. Foothills to left. Croker's Acres ahead. Father's shade to right and a little to the rear. So many times already round the earth. Topcoat once
aside. \\;hen suddenl: :ou cut through the hedge and vanish hohbling east across the gallops.
For why or? Why in another dark or in the same'?
AmI whose voice asking this? \Vho asks, \rhosl' yoice
asking this? And answers, His soeyer \\ho deyises it
all. In the same dark as his creature or in another. For
compan:'. Who asks in the end, \Vho asks? c\. ml in Lhe
end answers as aboye? And adds long after to himself,
Cnless another stilL J'\owhere to be found. ::\O\\'here
to be sought. The unthinkable last of alL Cnnamablc'. '-"
Last person. 1. Quick leaye him.
The light there was then. On \ our back in the dark
'-" .
the light there was then. Sunless cloudless brightness.
L '-"
You slip awa: at break of da: and climb to : our hiding place on the hillside. A nook in the gorse. East be:ond
18
19
on together from nought ane\\'. A. s if hound for Stl'll-
LLr
the ::wa the faint shape of high mountain. Seventy miles a\ya\ accordinu to \our LOlwman. For lhe third or
t"'
fourth linw in your life. TIll' 11rsl time vou lold them
and I\('n' dnided. All \ ou had Sl'en \I-as cloud. So nOlI \ au hoard it in \ our lwnrt Iyith the re",t. Back hOllle at nightfall supperle",s to Iwd. You lie in the dark and are ! Jack in that light. Straining oul hom your nest in tilt'
lJL•
f! :0r"'l' \yith : our (>:es across the \Iater till Lhe\ aellC'.
Y O ll closl' tlwlll while :'ou count a hundred. TIll'n open
and strain again. ~\gain and again. Till in the end il is LLL
there. Palest hlue against the pale sk:. You lie in th('
dark and are back in that light. Fall asleep in that sun
Il>::;::; cloudle::;s light. SleeJ-) till lllorning light.
LLL
Deviser of the voice and of its hearer aUlI of himself. Deviser of himself for compan:. Leave it at that. He speaks of himself as of another. He sa:s speaking of himself, He speaks of himself as of another. Himself he devise~ too for compan:. Leave it at that. Confusion too is campan: up to a point. Better hope deferred than none. Cl' to a point. Till the heart starts to sicken. Compan: too up to a point. Better a sick heart than
none. Till it starts to l)l"t~ak. So speaking of himself Iw concludes for the time heing, For thl~ tinll' I)('ino 1<'a\T
it at that.
In the "anw dark as his creatllre or in another not \el imagined. ! \or in what po"ition. \\/I1('tlwr "tanding
• l. . l
or sitting or hing or in somp other po"ilion in the dark. Tlwse are among the matters wt 10 1)(' imagined. 'VIal-
L,,
tel'S of which as :-t'! no inkling. The tl,,,t is ('olllpall\.
Which of Ihe t\IO darks is tlw I)et\er compall\. \\ hieh
of all imaginahle positions ha" the most to oiT(T in Ih('
wa\ of compall\. And ",imilarh for tlw othn nHlt\lT"
\et 10 he inwIJinell. Such a" if "ueh dcci"iOlh irn' . t"'
vnsihle. Let him for e\. amplc- af\('r dll(' imaginatioll
decid(' in fa\our of tIll' "'lIpine po"ition or prone and
\hi" in pral'ti('l' pr()\(' le"s companionahle Ihan antici
palell. Ma\ Iw Ih(']} or Illa: Ii(' nol rcplacl' il h\ an
othlT'? Snl'll a" hlllldled Ilith hi", leg" dnmn IIp Ilithin
Ilw ::;cll1i-cirde of hi" arlll" and his ]wacl on hi", klllT". Or
in nlUtion. Crmding on all roms. \notlwr in anotlwr
dark or in Ih,' "LUll<' lTalllinu on all fOllr" d('visilw il all ~-~
for ('(lI11pan\. Or "Olll(' otlwr forlll of l1lolion. 'I'll(' })O,,
.
c.
,~
20
21
sible encounters. A dead rat. What an addition to com pan:- that would be! A rat long dead.
Might not the hearer be improved? Made more com
panionable if not downright human. Mentall:- perhaps
there is room for enlivenment. An attempt at reflexion
at least. At recall. At speech even. Conation of some
kind however feeble. A trace of emotion. Signs of dis
tress. A sense of failure. Without loss of character.
Delicate ground. But phpically? Must he lie inert to
the end? Onl:- the e)-elids stirring on and off since tech
nically they must. To let in and shut out the dark.
Might he not cross his feet? On and off. :Now left on
right and now a little later the reverse. No. Quite out of '--'
keeping. He lie with crossed feet? One glance dispels. Some movement of the hands? A hand. A clenching and unclenching. Difficult to justif:-. Or raised to brush away a fly. But there are no flies. Then why not let there be? The temptation is great. Let there be a fl:-. For him to brush away. A live fly mistaking him for dead. Made aware of its error and renewing it inconti nent. What an addition to compan: that would be! A
live fl:- mistaking him for dead. But no. He would not brush away a fl\-.
You take pit:- on a hedgehog out in the cold and put
it in an old hatbox with some worms. This box with
the hog inside you then place in a disused hutch wedg
ing the door open for the poor creature to come and
go at will. To go in search of food and having eaten to
regain the 'warmth and securit:- of its box in the hutch.
There then is the hedgehog in its box in the hutch with
enough worms to tide it over.
A last look to make sure
all is as it should be before taking Yourself off to look
'--' .
for something else to pass the time heayy all'ead: on
your hands at that tender age. The glow at \our good • LL•L
deed is slower than usual to cool and fade. You glowed c.
22
2:3
'. L.
readily in those days but seldom for long. Hardh had
the glow been kindled by some good deed on your
"L
part or b:- some little triumph over :'our rivals or b:- a
L
•
word of praise from :-our parents or mentors when it would begin to cool and fade leaving YOU in a very
L '-••
short time as chill and dim as before. Even in those days. But not this day. It was on an autumn afternoon
:-ou found the hedgehog and took pit: on it in the way
described and YOU were still the better for it when your
bedtime came. Kneeling at :-our bedside you included
it the hedgehog in :-our detailed pra:-er to God to bless
all :ou loyed. And tossing in : our \mrm bed \raiting
for sleep to come YOU were still faintl:- glowing at the
thought of what a fortunate hedgehog it Ims to haw
'- '- '
crossed : our path as it did. A narrow clay path ed~l'd
with sere box edging. As \-oU stood th['[e \Hllllll'ring
how Lest to pass the time till hedtime it parted the
l'dging on the one side and was making straight for the L~ L~
edging on the other when \OU entf'n,d its life. 1\ow the
l'-•
next morning not onl:- was the glow spent Lut a great Ulwasiness had taken its place. A suspicion that all was perhaps not as it should Ill'. That rather than do as :ou did :ou had pl'rhaps betkr let ~ood alone and the hedgehog pursue its wa\. Da\s if not weeks passell before YOU could bring :-onrself to return to the hutch. You have never for~otten what \ LHI fouml tlwn. You are on :-our hack in the dark and have lWVcr forgotten
what YOU found then. The mush. The st(·lll'h.
Impending for some time the following. Need for
2-1
25
compan: not continuous. Moments when his own un
relieved a relief. Intrusion of voice at such. Similarh
image of hearer. Similarly his own. Regret then at
having brought them ahout and problem how dispel
them. Finally what meant by his own unrelieved?
What possible relief? Leave it at that for the moment.
"
Let the hearer be named H. Aspirate. Haitch. You Haitch are on your back in the dark. And let him know his name. No longer an:- question of his overhearing. Of his not being meant. Though logicall:- none in an: case. Of words murmured in his ear to wonder if to him! So he is. So that faint uneasiness lost. That faint hope. To one with so few occasions to feel. So inapt to feel. Asking nothing better in so far as he can ask any- thing than to feel nothing. Is it desirable? No. Would he gain thereby in companionabilit:-? No. Then let him not be named H. Let him be again as he was. The hearer. Unnamable. You.
Imagine closer the place where he lies. Within rea
"on. To it,,; form and dillll'n"ion,,; a ('hl(' i,,; ~iY('n 1)\ tIll' Y()ice afar. ]{('(·('din<l afar or th<Te \Iith aln'll}lt ,,;altation
t'"
or re"llming there aft<T pau"e. From ahoY(' ami from
that for the mOllll:nt. Adding onh, \Vhat kind of L.
imagination is this so rpason-ridden? A kind of it" o\ln.
\notlwr devitiing it all for compam. In the "ame dark as his creature or in another. Quick ill1a~ine. TIll' same.
Might not the voice be improved? Made m01'(' com
panionable. Sa: changing nO\l' for some time past
though no tense in the dark in that dim mind. \11 at
L
once over and in train and to come. But for the other
say for some time past some improYement. Same flat
tone as initial! : imagined and same repetitiousn('ss.
Na improving those. But less mobilit\,. Less varid: of
faintness. As if seeking optimum position. From "hich
to discharge with greatest effect. The ideal amplitude
for effortless audition. Neither offending the ear \I'ith
all ,,;ide,,; amI 1('Y('I:-: \lith ('(iual n'lllot('lW";,, al it,,; 111O"t n'llwte. :\t no til11e from helow. So far. SWl(fe"till(f one
t""'t"' . l '
I: ing on tIw flo01' of a ll<'mi,,;plH'rical chamlwr of ~l~n-
<TOUS dianH'ter \I'ith ear dead ('entre. HO\l (T('nerous?
"
GiY('n faintness of yoice at its least faint ,,;onw sixl\
flTt tihould suffice or thirl\ from ear to an\ gi\('n
point of ('ncolllpassing surface. So much for form and
dimensions. And composition? \\'hat and wh<Te clue
to that if an\ an\"\vhere. Rpspryp for till:' moment.
Basalt is tempting. Black basalt. But reserve for the
moment. So he imagines to himself as yoice and hearer
}Jall. But furtlwr imagination shows him to have imag.
LL
ined ill. For "ith what right affirm of a faint sound that
L
it is a less faint made fainter by farness and not a true faint near at hand? Or of a faint fading to fainter that it recedes and not in situ decreases. If with none then no light from the voice on the place where our old hearer lips. In immeasurable dark. Contourless. Leave it at
26
27
loudness nor through converse ('xcpss constraining it LLL
to strain. How far more companionable such an organ than it initiall:' in haste imagined. How far more like! : to achieve its object. To have the hearer have a past and
acknowledw' il. You \\(°re born on an Ea::iter Frida, after long: labour. Ye::i I rCllll'lllJWr. TJl<' ::iUI1 had not
long: sunk J)(,hind t\1<' ]arcJw,. ,. Y(,,. , 1 n'U1<'I11])(,r. ;\,. ,
to erode the drop lllU,. ,t strike lm\lu\Trll1g. lpou tlw plae(' J)('neath.
The last time \OU \n'nt out the SI1O\\ la\ on the
g:round. You nO\l~ on your back in the dark stand that
morning on the sill haYing pulled the door g:entl: to
IJt'hind )au. You lean hack against the door \lith
ture afrolic with lambs in spring and strewn with red
placentae. You take the course you always take which
is a beeline for the gap or ragged point in the quick
set that forms the western fringe. Thither from )~our
entering the pasture you need normally from eig:hteen
hundred to two thousand paces depending on lour
humour and the state of the ground. But on this last
morning many more will be reciuired. Man) Illam
more. The beeline is so familiar to \our feet that if
necessary the) could keep to it and you sightless \lith
error on arrival of not more than a few fed north or
south. And indeed without am such tl<'cessit\ unless
from within this is what they normalh do and not onh
here. For you advance if not with closed e\es though
. . .
this as often as not at least \I~ith them fixed on the mo mentan ground lwfore \'our feet. That is all of nature
. . .
you ha\'e seen. Siuee finalh~ YOU I)()\\ed \our head. The fleeting ground befon~ . \our fed. From time to timt'. You do not count :~oursteps am more. For the ::iimple reason the\' number each da\ the same. Ayerage day
bO\led head making read\ to sd out. D\ tIl(' time \OU
L. ••
open:our t':('S your ft'et haw disappeared and the
skirts of your greatcoat come to rest on the surface of
the ::inow. Tllt' dark scene seems lit from bclo\L You
see :~oursdfat that last outset leaning against thf~ door
with closed e)es waiting for the word from :ou to go.
To be gone. Then the snowlit scene. You lie in the dark
with closed ews and see yourself there as described
. .
making ready to strike out and awa)~across the expanse of light. You hear again the click of the door pulled gently to and the silence before the steps can start. Next thing you an~ on )'our way across the white pas
being ahm\s the same. You keep count of the cia)s and ewn tenth da\ multi
28
29
])(',~[
in da\ out the same. The
. . '---.
\I~a\~
pl}-. And add. Your father's shade is not with :ou an} more. It fell out long ago. You do not hear your foot
~~.
falls an:- more. Unhearing unseeing :ou go }our wa:. Dav after day. The same way. As if there were no other any more. For you there is no other any more. You used never to halt e"\:cept to make :-our reckoning. So as to plod on from nought ant'w. This need removed as we have seen there is none in theory to halt any more. Save perhaps a moment at the outermost point. To gatlwr yourself together for the rt'turn. And vet
not at the time. The dark cope of sky. The dazzling land. You at a standstill in the midst. The quarter boots sunk to the tops. The skirts of the greatcoat resting on the snow. In the old bowed head in the old block hat speechless misgiving. Halfwa: across the pasture on : our beeline to the gap. The unerring feet fast. You look behind \-OU as \-OU could not then and
see their trail. A great swerve. Withershins. Almost as if all at once the heart too heav\. In the end too heav\.
Bloom of adulthood. Imagine a whiff of that. On
~
your back in the dark \OU remember. Ah vou \OU re member. Cloudless May da\-. She joins you in the little
.
summerhouse. A rustic hexahedron. Entireh of logs.
• <
Both larch and fir. Si"\: feet across. Eight from floor to
~
verte"\:. Area twent:-four square feet to furthest deci mal. Two small multicoloured lights vis-a.
