No More Learning

MARLOW: The usual fate of a large mansion. Having just ruined the
master by good housekeeping, it at last comes to levy contributions as
an inn.

HASTINGS: Good and bad, you have lived pretty much among them; and
yet, with all your experience you have never acquired any show of
assurance. How shall you behave to the lady you have come down to visit?

MARLOW: As I behave to all other ladies. A barmaid, or a milliner--but
to me a modest woman dressed out in her finery is the most tremendous
object in creation. An impudent fellow may counterfeit modesty, but
I'll be hanged if a modest man can counterfeit impudence. I shall bow
very low, answer yes and no, and I don't think I shall venture to look
her in the face. The fact is, I have really come down to forward your
affair, not mine. Miss Neville loves you, the family don't know you, as
my friend you are sure of a reception, and----Here comes mine host to
interrupt us.

[_Enter_ HARDCASTLE.

HARDCASTLE: Heartily welcome once more, gentlemen; which is Mr.
Marlow? Sir, you are heartily welcome.

MARLOW: He has got our names from the servants already.

[MARLOW _and_ HASTINGS _converse together, ostentatiously
ignoring_ HARDCASTLE'S _attempts to join in
with a story of Marlborough at the siege of Denain_.

MARLOW: My good friend, a glass of that punch would help us to carry
on the siege.

HARDCASTLE: Punch sir! (_Aside_) This is the most unaccountable kind
of modesty I ever met with. Well, here, Mr. Marlow, here's to our better
acquaintance.

MARLOW: A very impudent fellow, but a character; I'll humour him.
Sir, my service to you. (_They drink_. ) Well, now, what have you in the
house for supper?

HARDCASTLE: For supper! (_Aside_) Was ever such a request to a man in
his own house!

MARLOW: Yes, sir; supper. I begin to feel an appetite.

HARDCASTLE: Sure, such a brazen dog----Sir, I believe the bill of fare
is drawn out; you shall see it. (_The menu is produced and discussed in
scathing terms. Then_ MARLOW _insists on seeing himself that the beds
are properly aired_. ) Well, sir, I will attend you. This may be modern
modesty, but I never saw anything so like old-fashioned impudence.

[_Exeunt_ HARDCASTLE _and_ MARLOW.

HASTINGS: This fellow's civilities begin to grow troublesome.
(_Enter_ MISS NEVILLE. ) Miss Neville, by all that's happy!

MISS NEVILLE: My dear Hastings!

HASTINGS: But how could I have hoped to meet my dearest Constance
at an inn?

MISS NEVILLE: An inn! You mistake. My aunt, my guardian, lives here.
How could you think this house an inn?

HASTINGS: My friend, Mr. Marlow, and I were directed hither by a
young fellow----

MISS NEVILLE: One of my hopeful cousin's tricks.

HASTINGS: We must keep up the deception with Marlow; else he will
fly.

Hastings has planned to elope with Miss Neville; she wishes first to
get into her own hands her jewelry, which is in Mrs. Hardcastle's
possession. As they complete their plot Marlow enters.

HASTINGS: My dear Marlow, the most fortunate event! Let me present
Miss Constance Neville. She and Miss Hardcastle have just alighted to
take fresh horses. Miss Hardcastle will be here directly. Isn't it
fortunate?

MARLOW: Oh, yes; very fortunate, a most joyful encounter; but
our dresses, George! To-morrow will be every bit as convenient. Let it
be to-morrow.

HASTINGS: Pshaw, man! Courage, courage! It is but the first plunge.

[_Enter_ KATE _as from a walk_. HASTINGS _introduces them_.

KATE (_after a pause_): I am glad of your safe arrival, sir. I am
told you had some accidents by the way.

MARLOW: A few, madam. Yes, we had some. Yes, a good many. But should
be sorry, madam--I mean glad--of any accidents that are so agreeably
concluded. George, sure you won't go?

HASTINGS: You don't consider, man, that we are to manage a little
_tete-a-tete_ of our own.

[_Exeunt_ HASTINGS _and_ MISS NEVILLE.

MARLOW: I am afraid, madam, I--hem--grow tiresome.

KATE: Not at all, sir; there is nothing I like so much as grave
consideration. You were going to observe----

MARLOW: I was about to observe, madam--I was--I protest, I forgot----

KATE: Something about hypocrisy--this age of hypocrisy.

MARLOW: Ah, yes. In this age of hypocrisy there are few who--a--a----
But I see Miss Neville expects us; shall I----

KATE: I'll follow you. If I could teach him a little confidence!
[_Exeunt_.

Mrs. Hardcastle, Miss Neville, Hastings and Tony enter. In pursuance
of their plot, Constance engages Tony in a determined flirtation, to
his extreme disgust, while Hastings wins the heart of Mrs. Hardcastle
by extravagant flatteries. On the pretext of bringing the "dear,
sweet, pretty, provoking, undutiful boy" to a better mind, Hastings
gets rid of the ladies, and then offers to take Miss Neville off
Tony's hands. Tony joyfully engages to help the elopement, and procure
Miss Neville's jewels.


ACT III

SCENE. --_As before. Enter_ TONY _with a casket_.

TONY: Ecod, I've got 'em. Cousin Con's necklaces, bobs and all. My
mother shan't cheat the poor souls out of their fortin. Here's (_enter_
HASTINGS) your sweetheart's jewels. If I hadn't a key to every drawer
in my mother's bureau---- Never you mind me. Zounds, here she comes.
Keep 'em. Morrice! Prance!

[_Exit_ HASTINGS. _Enter_ MISS NEVILLE, _and_ MRS. HARDCASTLE,
_who refuses to let her ward have her jewels_.

MRS. HARDCASTLE: They are missing, I assure you. My son knows they
are missing, and not to be found.

TONY: I can bear witness to that. I'll take my oath on't.

MRS. HARDCASTLE: In the meantime you can use my garnets. [_Exit. _

MISS NEVILLE: I detest garnets.

TONY: Don't be a fool! If she gives 'em you, take what you can get.
I've stolen your jewels out of the bureau. She's found it out, ecod,
by the noise. Fly to your spark, and he'll tell you all about it.
Vanish!
[_Exit_ MISS NEVILLE.

Kate has reported Marlow's bashfulness to Hardcastle, who has told
another tale. She has since learnt Marlow's blunder, and that he has
taken her in her "housewife's dress" for the barmaid. She has resolved
to test him in this character. She enters at the same time as Marlow,
who is studying his notebook.

KATE: Did you call, sir?

MARLOW (_not looking up_): No, child.

KATE: Perhaps it was the other gentleman?

MARLOW: No, no, child, I tell you! (_Looking up_. ) That is--yes, I
think I did call. I vow, child, you're vastly handsome.

KATE: Oh, la, sir, you'll make me ashamed!

MARLOW: Suppose I should call for a taste of the nectar of your lips?

KATE: Nectar? Nectar? We keep no French wines. (_He tries to kiss
her_. ) Pray keep your distance. I'm sure you didn't treat Miss
Hardcastle so. Are you a favourite among the ladies?

MARLOW: Yes, my dear. At the ladies' club up in town they call me
their Agreeable Rattle. Do you ever work, child?

KATE: Ay, sure. There's not a screen or a quilt in the house but
bears witness to that.

MARLOW: You must show me your embroidery.

[_As he seizes her hand_, HARDCASTLE _enters. Exit_ MARLOW.
KATE _persuades her father to give her an hour to clear_
MARLOW'S _character_.


ACT IV

SCENE. --_As before_. HASTINGS _has passed over the jewels to_ MARLOW'S
_care. The unconscious_ MARLOW _has told him that the servant
by his order has placed them in charge of the landlady. Enter_
HARDCASTLE, _solus_.

HARDCASTLE: My house is turned topsy-turvy. His servants are drunk
already. For his father's sake, I'll be calm. (_Enter_ MARLOW. ) Mr.
Marlow, sir, the conduct of your servants is insufferable. Their manner
of drinking is setting a very bad example.

MARLOW: I protest, my good friend, that's no fault of mine. They had
my positive orders to drink as much as they could.

HARDCASTLE: Zounds, I shall go distracted! I'll stand it no longer!
I desire that you and your drunken pack shall leave my house directly.

MARLOW: Leave your house? I never heard such cursed impudence. Bring
me my bill.

HARDCASTLE: Nor I, confound me if ever I did!

MARLOW: My bill, I say.

HARDCASTLE: Young man, young man, from your father's letter I
expected a well-bred, modest visitor, not a coxcomb and a bully. But he
will be down here presently, and shall hear more of it. [_Exit. _

MARLOW: How's this? Surely I have not mistaken the house? Everything
looks like an inn. The barmaid, too. (_Enter_ KATE. ) A word with you,
child. Who are you?

KATE: A poor relation, sir, who looks after the guests.

MARLOW: That is, you're the barmaid of this inn.

KATE: Inn? Oh, la! What brought that into your head? Old Mr.
Hardcastle's house an inn!

MARLOW: Mr. Hardcastle's house? Mr. Hardcastle's? So all's out. I
shall be laughed at over the whole town. To mistake this house of all
others--and my father's old friend. What must he think of me! And may I
be hanged, my dear, but I mistook you for the barmaid. I mistook--but
it's all over. This house I no more show my face in. By heaven,
she weeps! But the difference of our birth, fortune, education--an
honorable connection would be impossible, and I would never harbour a
thought of any other. Farewell. [_Exit_.

KATE: He shall not go, if I have power to detain him.
I will
undeceive my father, and he shall laugh him out of his resolution.
[_Exit_.

The second couple are about to take flight without the jewels, by
Tony's help, when he receives a note from Hastings, which--not knowing
its source--he hands to his mother to decipher. She resolves to carry
Miss Neville off forthwith, to place her in charge of her old Aunt
Pedigree, in the coach prepared for the elopement. Tony being ordered
to attend them on horseback, hits on an expedient which he does not
reveal, but contents himself with bidding Hastings meet him two hours
hence in the garden. The party start on their journey.


ACT V

SCENE I. --SIR CHARLES MARLOW _has arrived, and the two elders have been
making merry over the blunder; both are now eager for the
marriage. But they are mystified by_ MARLOW'S _assertion that
he is indifferent to_ MISS HARDCASTLE, _and his assertion is
corroborated by what_ HARDCASTLE _saw_.


SCENE II. --_The back of the garden. Enter_ TONY, _booted and spurred,
meeting_ HASTINGS.

TONY: Ecod, five-and-twenty miles in two hours and a half is no such
bad driving.

HASTINGS: But where are your fellow-passengers? Where have you left
the ladies?

TONY: Why, where I found 'em! Led 'em astray, man. There's not a pond
or a slough within five miles of the place but they can tell the taste
of; and finished with the horsepond at the back of the garden. Mother's
confoundedly frightened, and thinks herself forty miles off. So now, if
your own horses be ready, you can whip off with my cousin, and no one
to budge an inch after you.

HASTINGS: My dear friend, how can I be grateful.

[_Exit_.

TONY: Here she comes--got up from the pond.

[_Enter_ MRS. HARDCASTLE.

MRS. HARDCASTLE: Oh, Tony, I'm killed--shook--battered to death!
That last jolt has done for me. Whereabouts are we?

TONY: Crackskull Common by my guess, forty miles from home. Don't be
afraid. Is that a man galloping behind us? Don't be afraid.

MRS. HARDCASTLE: Oh, there's a man coming! We are undone!

TONY (_aside_): Father-in-law, by all that's unlucky! Hide yourself,
and keep close; if I cough it will mean danger.

[_Enter_ HARDCASTLE.

HARDCASTLE: I am sure I heard voices. What, Tony? Are you back
already? (TONY _laughs_. )

MRS. HARDCASTLE (_running forward_): Oh, lud; he'll murder my poor
boy! Here, good gentleman, whet your rage on me. Take my money, take
my life, good Mr. Highwayman, but spare my child.

HARDCASTLE: Sure, Dorothy, you have lost your wits? This is one of
your tricks, you graceless rogue. Don't you remember me, and the
mulberry-tree, and the horsepond?

MRS. HARDCASTLE: I shall remember it as long as I live. And this is
your doing--you----

TONY: Ecod, mother, all the parish says you've spoilt me, so you may
take the fruits on't. [_Exeunt_.

Miss Neville thinks better of the elopement, and resolves to appeal
to Mr. Hardcastle's influence with his wife. This improved plan is
carried to a successful issue, with great satisfaction to Tony Lumpkin.


SCENE III. --_The hall_. SIR CHARLES MARLOW _and_ HARDCASTLE _witness,
from concealment, the formal proposal of_ MARLOW _to make
the supposed "poor relation" his wife. They break in_.

SIR CHARLES: Charles, Charles, how thou hast deceived me! Is this
your indifference?

HARDCASTLE: Your cold contempt? Your formal interview? What have you
to say?

MARLOW: That I'm all amazement. What does it mean?

HARDCASTLE: It means that you say and unsay things at pleasure; that
you can address a lady in private and deny it in public; that you have
one story for us and another for my daughter.

MARLOW: Daughter? This lady your daughter? Oh, the devil! Oh--!

KATE: In which of your characters may we address you? The faltering
gentleman who looks on the ground and hates hypocrisy, or the bold,
forward Agreeable Rattle of the ladies' club?

MARLOW: Zounds, this is worse than death! I must be gone.

HARDCASTLE: But you shall not! I see it was all a mistake. She'll
forgive you; we'll all forgive you. Courage, man! And if she makes as
good a wife as she has a daughter, I don't believe you'll ever repent
your bargain. So now to supper. To-morrow we shall gather all the poor
of this parish about us; the mistakes of the night shall be crowned
with a merry morning.


FOOTNOTES:

[D] The Life of Goldsmith, by John Forster, may be found in
Volume IX of the WORLD'S GREATEST BOOKS (see also Vol. IV, p. 275).
"The Mistakes of a Night, or She Stoops to Conquer," appeared at Covent
Garden, in March, 1773. So convinced was George Colman that the public
would endure nothing but sentiment, that he could hardly be induced to
accept the play, and was extremely nervous about its success, almost
until the fall of the curtain on the first night. Nevertheless, its
success was immediate and decisive, and it became established as a
stock piece. The play loses nothing by the suppression of sentimental
passages between Hastings and Miss Neville, without which Colman
would certainly have declined it altogether. Apart from the main
argument--the wooing of Kate Hardcastle--the plot turns on the points
that Tony Lumpkin is the son of Mrs. Hardcastle by her first marriage,
and that Constance Neville is her niece and ward, not her husband's.




HEINRICH HEINE[E]




Atta Troll

_A Summer Night's Dream_


I

In the valley lies attractive Cauterets. The shining houses
Gay with balconies, and on them
Stand fair ladies loudly laughing.

Laughing as they look beneath them
On the brightly swarming market,
Where are dancing bear and she-bear
To the droning of the bagpipes.

Atta Troll and his good lady,
Whom the people call black Mumma,
Are the dancers; the Biscayans
Shout aloud in admiration.

Atta Troll, who once paraded
Like a mighty lord of deserts,
Free upon the mountain summit,
Dances in the vale to rabble!

Both the music and the laughter
Quickly cease, and shrieking loudly,
From the market fly the people,
And the ladies they are fainting.

Yes, the slavish chain that bound him
Suddenly hath rent asunder
Atta Troll. And, wildly springing,
Up the rocks he nimbly clambers.

In the empty market standing,
All alone are left black Mumma
And the keeper. Wild with fury
On the ground his hat he dashes.

On the wretched poor black Mumma
Falls this much-enraged one's fury
Doubly down at last; he beats her,
Then he calls her Queen Christina.


II

In the vale of Ronceval
Not far off from Roland's cleft,
And by savage fir-trees hidden,
Lies the cave of Atta Troll.

In the bosom of his family,
There he rests from all his hardships.
Tender meeting! All his young ones
Found he in the well-loved cavern:

Well-licked, lady-like young bears,
Blonde their hair, like parson's daughters;
Brown the boys, the youngest only
With the single ear is black.

Gladly now relates the old one
What he's in the world experienced,
Of the overwhelming plaudits
Reaped by his great skill in dancing.

Overcome by self-laudation,
Now he calls on deeds to witness
That he is no wretched boaster,
That he's really great at dancing.


III

In the caverns with his offspring,
Sick at heart, upon his back lies
Atta Troll; in meditation
Licks his paws, and, licking, growls:

"Mumma, Mumma, pearl of blackness,
Whom I fished from out life's ocean,
Is it thus that in life's ocean
I am forced again to lose thee!

"Might I only once more sniffle
That sweet odour, the peculiar,
Of my black, my darling Mumma,
Fragrant as the scent of roses!

"But, alas! my Mumma pineth
In the fetters of those rascals,
Who, the name of Men assuming,
Call themselves Creation's lords.

"Mankind, are ye any better
Than we others, just because ye
Boiled and baked devour your victuals?
In a raw state we eat ours.

"Children," grumbles Atta Troll,
"Children, we must seize the future!
If each bear but thought as I do,
We should soon subdue the tyrants.

"Let the boar but form alliance
With the horse, the elephant
Coil his trunk with love fraternal
Round the valiant bullock's horn;

"Bear and wolf of every colour,
Goat and monkey; even hares, too,
Let them work awhile together,
And the victory cannot fail us.

"Equal rights for all God's creatures,
Be our fundamental maxim;
Absolutely no distinction
In belief, or skin, or smell.

"Strict equality! Ev'ry jackass
Competent for highest office;
On the other hand, the lion
Trotting with the corn to grind. "


IV

Many an honest, virtuous burgher
Lives on earth in evil odour,
Whilst your princely people reek of
Lavender and ambergris.

Therefore do not make wry faces,
Gentle reader, if the cave of
Atta Troll should not remind you
Of the spices of Arabia.

Tarry with me in the steamy
Confines in the dismal odour,
Where the hero to his youngest
Speaks as if from out a cloud:

"Ever shun men's ways of thinking!
Not a creature that is decent
Can be found among these creatures.
Even Germans, once much better,

"In primeval times our cousins,
These alike are now degen'rate:
Traitors to their creed and godless,
Now they preach e'en atheism!

"Only be no atheist,
Like a non-bear who respects not
His great Maker--Yes, a Maker
Hath this universe created.

"Yonder in the starred pavilion,
On the golden throne of power,
World-controlling and majestic,
Sits a giant Polar bear.

"At his feet are sitting gentle
Sainted bears, who in their life-time
Uncomplaining suffered; in their
Paws the palm of martyrdom.

"Shall I ever, drunk with heaven,
Yonder in the starred pavilion,
With the Glory, with the palm-branch,
Dance before the throne of God? "


V

Figures twain, morose and baleful,
And on all-fours slowly creeping,
Break themselves a gloomy passage
Through the underwood at midnight.

That is Atta Troll, the father,
And his son, young Master One-Ear.
"This old stone"--growls Atta Troll--
"Is the altar, where the Druids

"In the days of superstition
Human sacrifices butchered.
Oh, the overwhelming horror!
Shedding blood to honour God!

"Now indeed far more enlightened
Are these men--they only murder
Now from selfishness and grasping.
Each one plunders for himself!

"Nature never yet created
Owners, no--for void of pockets,
Not a pocket in our fur coats,
We were born, the whole of us.

"Only man, that smooth-skinned being,
Could in borrowed wool, so artful,
Dress himself, or could, so artful,
Thus provide himself with pockets.

"Be the mortal foe of all such
Fierce oppressors, reconcileless,
To the end of thy existence--
Swear it, swear it here, my son! "

And the youngest swore as once did
Hannibal. The moon illumined
With her yellow light the Blood-stone,
And the pair of misanthropes.


VI

I was early one fine morning
With Lascaro setting forward
On the bear-hunt. And at mid-day
We arrived at Pont-d'Espagne.

Evening shades were dark'ning round us
When we reached the wretched hostel,
Where the Ollea-Podrida
Steamed up from the dirty soup-dish.

Corresponding to the kitchen
Was the bed. It swarmed with insects,
Just as if it had been peppered! --
Bugs are man's most mortal foe.

What a raving with these poets,
E'en the tame ones! Why, they never
Cease to sing and say, that Nature
Is the Maker's mighty temple.

Well, so be it, charming people!
But confess that in this temple
All the stairs are slightly awkward.
Miserably bad the stairs!

Close beside me strides Lascaro,
Pale and long, just like a taper;
Never speaking, never smiling,
He, the dead son of a witch.

Yes, 'tis said, he is a dead one,
Long defunct, although his mother,
Old Uraka, by enchantments
Keeps him living to appearance.

In the little fishing cottage,
On the Lac-de-Gobe we met with
Shelter and some trout for dinner;
And they tasted quite delicious.

If the stuff I drank was really
Wine, at this same Lac-de-Gobe,
I know not. I think in Brunswick
They would simply call it swipes.


VII

From the sunny golden background
Smile the violet mountain peaks,
On the ridge there clings a village,
Like a boldly ventured birds'-nest.

Having climbed there, 'twas apparent
That the old ones wing had taken,
And behind were tarrying only
All the young brood, not yet fledged.

Nearly all that day I lingered
With the children, and we chatted
Quite familiar. They were curious
Who I was, what I was doing?

"Germany, dear friends"--so said I--
"Is the land where I was born;
Bears live there in any number,
And I took to hunting bears.

"There I drew the skin for many
Over very bearish ears;
And between them I was sometimes
Roughly by their bear claws handled.

"But with merely unlicked blockheads
Every day to be contending
In my well-loved home, at last I
Found to be too much for me.

"So at last have journeyed hither,
Seeking out some better sport;
I intend to try my prowess
On the mighty Atta Troll. "


VIII

Like a narrow street the valley,
And its name is Spectre Hollow;
Rugged crags rise up abruptly
Either side of giddy heights.

On a dizzy, steep projection,
Peeping downwards, like a watch-tower,
Stands Uraka's daring cottage;
Thither I Lascaro followed.

With his mother he took counsel,
Using secret signs as language,
How might Atta Troll be tempted,
How he might be put to death.

For right well had we his traces
Followed up. And now no longer
Dare escape be thought of. Numbered
Are thy days, O Atta Troll!

What Uraka as her lawful
Business followed, that was honest;
For she dealt in mountain simples
And she also sold stuffed birds.

Full of all these natural wonders
Was the hut. The smell was dreadful
Of the henbane, cuckoo-flowers,
Dandelion and deadmen's fingers.

Vultures, too, a large collection,
Carefully arranged on all sides,
With the wings at full extended
And the most enormous beaks.

Was't the odour of the foolish
Plants which stupefied my senses?
Strange sensations crept about me
At the sight of all these birds.


IX

Argonauts without a ship,
Who on foot the mountain traverse,
And instead of golden fleeces
Only look to win a bear-skin

Ah, we are but sorry devils!
Heroes of a modern pattern,
And there's not a classic poet
Would in song immortalise us!

And for all that we have suffered
Mighty hardships! What a shower
Overtook us on the summit,
And no tree and no _fiacre_!

Tired to death, and out of humour,
Like two well-drenched poodles, once more,
Very late at night, we clambered
To the witch's hut above.

Shivering, and with teeth a-chatter,
Near the hearth I stood awhile;
Then, as though the warmth o'ercame me,
Sank at last upon the straw.

How the roaring of the chimney
Terrified me. Like the moaning
Of poor, wretched, dried-up souls--
Quite familiar seemed the voices.

Sleep completely overcame me
In the end, and then in place of
Waking phantasm, rose before me
Quite a wholesome, firm-set dream.

And I dreamed the little cottage
Suddenly became a ballroom.
Carried up aloft on pillars
And by chandeliers illumined.

Then invisible musicians
Struck up from "Robert le Diable"
That ungodly dance of nuns;
I was walking all alone there.

But at last the portals open
Of themselves, and then come marching,
Measured footsteps, slow and solemn,
Most extraordinary guests.

Nothing now but bears and spectres,
Walking upright, every he-bear
On the arm a ghost conducted,
Muffled in a long white shroud.

Sometimes in the dance's bustle,
Tore a bear the burial garment
Off the head of his companion;
Lo! a death's-head came to view.

But at last sounds forth a joyous
Crashing of the horns and cymbals;
And the kettle-drums they thunder,
And there came the galopade.

This I did not dream the end of--
For a most ill-mannered bruin
Trod upon my favourite corn,
So that, shrieking out, I woke.


X

In the cavern, with his offspring,
Atta Troll lies, and he slumbers
With the snoring of the righteous;
But at last he wakes up yawning.

"Children! "--sighs he, whilst are trickling
Tears from those large eyes unbidden--
"Children!