No More Learning

And we have business dealings with no man, nor do we go by any road that does not lead to the temples of the gods; and seldom, and then not all of us, do we go to the theatres, since we have adopted the most inglorious line of conduct and the most unpopular aim and end of life. The wise men of Greece will surely allow me to repeat some of the sayings current among you; for I have no better way of illustrating what I mean. We have stationed ourselves in the middle of the road, so highly do we prize the opportunity to collide with you and to be disliked, when we ought rather to try to please and flatter you. "So-and-so has oppressed So-and-so. " "Fool! What business is it of yours? When it was in your power to win his good-will by becoming the partner in his wrong-doing, you first let the profit go, and incur hatred besides; [355] G and when you do this you think that you are doing right and are wise about your own affairs. You ought to have taken into account that, when men are wronged, not one of them ever blames the magistrates but only the man who has wronged him; but the man who seeks to do wrong and is prevented from it, far from blaming his proposed victim, turns his grievance against the magistrates.

"Then when it was in your power by the aid of this careful reasoning to refrain from compelling us to do what is just; when you might have allowed every man to do whatever he pleases and has the power to do, - for the temper of the city is surely like that, excessively independent - do you then, I say, fail to understand this and assert that the citizens ought to be wisely governed? Have you not even observed what great independence exists among the citizens, even down to the very asses and camels? The men who hire them out lead even these animals through the porticoes as though they were brides. For the unroofed alleys and the broad highways were certainly not made for the use of pack-asses, but they are provided merely for show and as an extravagance; but in their independence the asses prefer to use the porticoes, and no one keeps them out of any one of these, for fear he should be robbing them of their independence; so independent is our city! And yet you think that even the charming youths in the city ought to keep quiet and, if possible, think whatever you like, but at any rate utter only what is agreeable for you to hear! But it is their independence that makes them hold revels; and this they always do handsomely, but during the festivals they revel more than usual. "

Once upon a time the citizens of Tarentum paid to the Romans the penalty for this sort of jesting, seeing that, when drunk at the festival of Dionysus, they insulted the Roman ambassadors. But you are in all respects more fortunate than the citizens of Tarentum, for you give yourselves up to pleasure throughout the whole year, instead of for a few days; and instead of foreign ambassadors you insult your own Sovereign, yes even the very hairs on his chin and the devices engraved on his coins. [356] G Well done, O wise citizens, both you who make such jests and you who welcome and find profit in the jesters! For it is evident that uttering them gives pleasure to the former, while the latter rejoice to hear jests of this sort. I share your pleasure in this unanimity, and you do well to be a city of one mind in such matters, since it is not at all dignified or an enviable task to restrain and chastise the licentiousness of the young. For if one were to rob human beings of the power to do and say what they please, that would be to take away, and to curtail the first principle of independence. Therefore, since you knew that men ought to be independent in all respects, you acted quite rightly, in the first place when you permitted the women to govern themselves, so that you might profit by their being independent and licentious to excess; secondly, when you entrusted to them the bringing up of the children, for fear that if they had to experience any harsher authority they might later turn out to be slaves; and as they grew up to be boys might be taught first of all to respect their elders, and then under the influence of this bad habit might show too much reverence for the magistrates, and finally might have to be classed not as men but as slaves; and becoming temperate and well-behaved and orderly might be, before they knew it, altogether corrupted. Then what effect have the women on the children? They induce them to reverence the same things as they do by means of pleasure, which is, it seems, the most blessed thing and the most highly honoured, not only by men but by beasts also. It is for this reason, I think, that you are so very happy, because you refuse every form of slavery; first you begin by refusing slavery to the gods, secondly to the laws, and thirdly to me who am the guardian of the laws. And I should indeed be eccentric if, when the gods suffer the city to be so independent and do not chastise her, I should be resentful and angry. [357] G For be assured that the gods have shared with me in the disrespect that has been shown to me in your city.

"The Chi," say the citizens, "never harmed the city in any way, nor did the Kappa. " Now the meaning of this riddle which your wisdom has invented is hard to understand, but I obtained interpreters from your city and I was informed that these are the first letters of names, and that the former is intended to represent Christ, the latter Constantius. Bear with me, then, if I speak frankly. In one thing Constantius did harm you, in that when he had appointed me as Caesar he did not put me to death. Now for the rest may the gods grant to you alone out of all the many citizens of Rome to have experience of the avarice of many a Constantius, or I should say rather, of the avarice of his friends. For the man was my cousin and dear to me; but after he had chosen enmity with me instead of friendship, and then the gods with the utmost benevolence arbitrated our contention with one another, I proved myself a more loyal friend to him than he had expected to find me before I became his enemy. Then why do you think that you are annoying me by your praises of him, when I am really angry with those who slander him? But as for Christ you love him, you say, and adopt him as the guardian of your city instead of Zeus and the god of Daphne and Calliope who revealed your clever intention? Did those citizens of Emesa long for Christ who set fire to the tombs of the Galilaeans? But what citizens of Emesa have I ever annoyed? I have however annoyed many of you, I may almost say all, the Senate, the wealthy citizens, the common people. The latter indeed, since they have chosen atheism, hate me for the most part, or rather all of them hate me because they see that I adhere to the ordinances of the sacred rites which our forefathers observed; the powerful citizens hate me because they are prevented from selling everything at a high price; but all of you hate me on account of the dancers and the theatres. Not because I deprive others of these pleasures, [358] G but because I care less for things of that sort than for frogs croaking in a pond. Then is it not natural for me to accuse myself, when I have furnished so many handles for your hatred?

Cato the Roman, however, - how he wore his beard I do not know, but he deserves to be praised in comparison with anyone of those who pride themselves on their temperance and nobility of soul and on their courage above all, - he, I say, once visited this populous and luxurious and wealthy city; and when he saw the youths in the suburb drawn up in full array, and with them the magistrates, as though for some military display, he thought your ancestors had made all those preparations in his honour. So he quickly dismounted from his horse and came forward, though at the same time he was vexed with those of his friends who had preceded him for having informed the citizens that Cato was approaching, and so induced them to hasten forth. And while he was in this position, and was slightly embarrassed and blushing, the master of the gymnasium ran to meet him and called out, "Stranger, where is Demetrius? " Now this Demetrius was a freedman of Pompeius, who had acquired a very large fortune; and if you want to know the amount of it, - for I suppose that in all that I am now telling you are most anxious to hear this, - I will tell you who has related the story. Damophilus of Bithynia has written compositions of this sort, and in them, by culling anecdotes from many books, he has produced tales that give the greatest delight to anyone who loves to listen to gossip, whether he be young or old. For old age usually revives in the elderly that love of gossip which is natural to the young; and this is, I think, the reason why both the old and the young are equally fond of stories.

Well, then, to return to Cato. Do you want me to tell you how he greeted the master of the gymnasium? Do not imagine that I am slandering your city; for the story is not my own. [359] G If any rumour has come round, even to your ears, of the man of Chaeroneia [ Plutarch ], who belongs to that worthless class of men who are called by impostors philosophers, - I myself never attained to that class though in my ignorance I claimed to be a member of it and to have a part in it, - well he, as I was saying, related [ Cato, 13'3 ] that Cato answered not with a word, but only cried aloud like a man stricken with madness and out of his senses, "Alas for this ill-fated city! " and took himself off.

Therefore do not be surprised if I now feel towards you as I do, for I am more uncivilised than he, and more fierce and headstrong in proportion as the Celts are more so than the Romans. He was born in Rome and was nurtured among the Roman citizens till he was on the threshold of old age. But as for me, I had to do with Celts and Germans and the Hercynian forest from the moment that I was reckoned a grown man, and I have by now spent a long time there, like some huntsman who associates with and is entangled among wild beasts. There I met with temperaments that know not how to pay court or flatter, but only how to behave simply and frankly to all men alike. Then after my nurture in childhood, my path as a boy took me through the discourses of Plato and Aristotle, which are not at all suited for the reading of communities who think that on account of their luxury they are the happiest of men. Then I had to work hard myself among the most warlike and high-spirited of all nations, where men have knowledge of Aphrodite, goddess of Wedlock, only for the purpose of marrying and having children, and know Dionysus the Drink-Giver, only for the sake of just so much wine as each can drink at a draught. And in their theatres no licentiousness or insolence exists, nor does any man dance the cordax on their stage.

A story is told of them that not long ago a certain Cappadocian was exiled from here to that place, a man who had been brought up in your city in the house of the goldsmith - you know of course whom I mean, - and had learned, as he naturally did learn there, that one ought not to have intercourse with women but to pay attention to youths. And when, after doing and suffering here I know not what, [360] G he went to the court of the king in that country, he took with him to remind him of your habits here a number of dancers and other such delights from this city; and then finally since he still needed a cotylist - you know the word and the thing too - he invited him also from here, because of his longing and love for the austere mode of life that prevails with you. Now the Celts never made the acquaintance of the cotylist, since he was at once admitted into the palace; but when the dancers began to display their art in the theatre, the Celts left them alone because they thought that they were like men stricken with nympholepsy. And the theatre seemed to the men in that country highly ridiculous, just as it does to me; but whereas the Celts were a few ridiculing many, I here along with a few others seem absurd in every way to all of you.

This is a fact which I do not resent. And indeed it would be unjust of me not to make the best of the present state of things, after having so greatly enjoyed the life among the Celts. For they loved me so much, on account of the similarity of our dispositions, that not only did they venture to take up arms on my behalf, but they gave me large sums of money besides; and when I would have declined it, they almost forced me to take it, and in all things readily obeyed me. And what was most wonderful of all, a great report of me travelled thence to your city, and all men proclaimed loudly that I was brave, wise and just, not only terrible to encounter in war, but also skilful in turning peace to my account, easy of access and mild-tempered. But now you have sent them tidings from here in return, that in the first place the affairs of the whole world have been turned upside down by me - though indeed I am not conscious of turning anything upside down, either voluntarily or involuntarily; secondly, that I ought to twist ropes from my beard, and that I war against the Chi and that you begin to regret the Kappa. Now may the guardian gods of this city grant you a double allowance of the Kappa! [361] G For besides this you falsely accused the neighbouring cities, which are holy and the slaves of the gods, like myself, of having produced the satires which were composed against me; though I know well that those cities love me more than their own sons, for they at once restored the shrines of the gods and overturned all the tombs of the godless, on the signal that was given by me the other day; and so excited were they in mind and so exalted in spirit that they even attacked those who were offending against the gods with more violence than I could have wished.

But now consider your own behaviour. Many of you overturned the altars of the gods which had only just been erected, and with difficulty did my indulgent treatment teach you to keep quiet. And when I sent away the body from Daphne, some of you, in expiation of your conduct towards the gods, handed over the shrine of the god of Daphne to those who were aggrieved about the relics of the body, and the rest of you, whether by accident or on purpose, hurled against the shrine that fire which made the strangers who were visiting your city shudder, but gave pleasure to the mass of your citizens and was ignored and is still ignored by your Senate. Now, in my opinion, even before that fire the god had forsaken the temple, for when I first entered it his holy image gave me a sign thereof. I call mighty Helios to bear me witness of this before all unbelievers. And now I wish to remind you of yet another reason for your hatred of me, and then to abuse myself - a thing which I usually do fairly well - and both to accuse and blame myself with regard to that hatred.

In the tenth month, according to your reckoning, - Loos I think you call it - there is a festival founded by your forefathers in honour of this god, and it was your duty to be zealous in visiting Daphne. Accordingly I hastened thither from the temple of Zeus Casius, thinking that at Daphne, if anywhere, I should enjoy the sight of your wealth and public spirit. And I imagined in my own mind the sort of procession it would be, like a man seeing visions in a dream, [362] G beasts for sacrifice, libations, choruses in honour of the god, incense, and the youths of your city there surrounding the shrine, their souls adorned with all holiness and themselves attired in white and splendid raiment. But when I entered the shrine I found there no incense, not so much as a cake, not a single beast for sacrifice. For that moment I was amazed and thought that I was still outside the shrine and that you were waiting the signal from me, doing me that honour because I am supreme pontiff. But when I began to inquire what sacrifice the city intended to offer to celebrate the annual festival in honour of the god, the priest answered, "I have brought with me from my own house a goose as an offering to the god, but the city this time has made no preparations. "

Thereupon, being fond of making enemies, I made in the Senate a very unseemly speech which perhaps it may now be pertinent to quote to you. "It is a terrible thing," I said, "that so important a city should be more neglectful of the gods than any village on the borders of the Pontus. Your city possesses ten thousand lots of land privately owned, and yet when the annual festival in honour of the god of her forefathers is to be celebrated for the first time since the gods dispelled the cloud of atheism, she does not produce on her own behalf a single bird, though she ought if possible to have sacrificed an ox for every tribe, or if that were too difficult, the whole city in common ought at any rate to have offered to the god one bull on her own behalf. Yet every one of you delights to spend money privately on dinners and feasts; and I know very well that many of you squandered very large sums of money on dinners during the May festival. Nevertheless, on your own behalf and on behalf of the city's welfare not one of the citizens offers a private sacrifice, nor does the city offer a public sacrifice, but only this priest! Yet I think that it would have been more just for him to go home carrying portions from the multitude of beasts offered by you to the god. For the duty assigned by the gods to priests is to do them honour by their nobility of character and by the practice of virtue, and also to perform to them the service that is due; [363] G but it befits the city, I think, to offer both private and public sacrifice. But as it is, every one of you allows his wife to carry everything out of his house to the Galilaeans, and when your wives feed the poor at your expense they inspire a great admiration for godlessness in those who are in need of such bounty - and of such sort are, I think, the great majority of mankind, - while as for yourselves you think that you are doing nothing out of the way when in the first place you are careless of the honours due to the gods, and not one of those in need goes near the temples - for there is nothing there, I think, to feed them with - and yet when any one of you gives a birthday feast he provides a dinner and a breakfast without stint and welcomes his friends to a costly table; when, however, the annual festival arrived no one furnished olive oil for a lamp for the god, or a libation, or a beast for sacrifice, or incense. Now I do not know how any good man could endure to see such things in your city, and for my part I am sure that it is displeasing to the gods also. "

This is what I remember to have said at the time, and the god bore witness to the truth of my words - would that he had not! - when he forsook your suburb which for so long he had protected, and again during that time of storm and stress when he turned in the wrong direction the minds of those who were then in power and forced their hands. But I acted foolishly in making myself odious to you. For I ought to have remained silent as, I think, did many of those who came here with me, and I ought not to have been meddlesome or found fault. But I poured down all these reproaches on your heads to no purpose, owing to my headlong temper and a ridiculous desire to flatter, - for it surely is not to be believed that out of goodwill towards you I spoke those words to you then; but I was, I think, hunting after a reputation for piety towards the gods and for sincere good-will towards you, which is, I think, the most absurd form of flattery. [364] G Therefore you treat me justly when you defend yourselves against those criticisms of mine and choose a different place for making your defence. For I abused you under the god's statue near his altar and the footprints of the holy image, in the presence of few witnesses; but you abused me in the market-place, in the presence of the whole populace, and with the help of citizens who were capable of composing such pleasant witticisms as yours. For you must be well aware that all of you, those who uttered the sayings about me and those who listened to them, are equally responsible; and he who listened with pleasure to those slanders, since he had an equal share of the pleasure, though he took less trouble than the speaker, must share the blame.

Throughout the whole city, then, you both uttered and listened to all the jests that were made about this miserable beard of mine, and about one who has never displayed to you nor ever will display among you the sort of life that you always live and desire to see also among those who govern you. Next with respect to the slanders which both in private and publicly you have poured down on my head, when you ridiculed me in anapaestic verse, since I too have accused myself I permit you to employ that method with even greater frankness; for I shall never on that account do you any harm, by slaying or beating or fettering or imprisoning you or punishing you in any way. Why indeed should I? For now that in showing you myself, in company with my friends, behaving with sobriety, - a most sorry and unpleasing sight to you - I have failed to show you any beautiful spectacle, I have decided to leave this city and to retire from it; not indeed because I am convinced that I shall be in all respects pleasing to those to whom I am going, but because I judge it more desirable, in case I should fail at least to seem to them an honourable and good man, to give all men in turn a share of my unpleasantness, and not to annoy this happy city with the evil odour, as it were, of my moderation and the sobriety of my friends.

[365] G For not one of us has bought a field or garden in your city or built a house or married or given in marriage among you, or fallen in love with any of your handsome youths, or coveted the wealth of Assyria, or awarded court patronage; nor have we allowed any of those in office to exercise influence over us, or induced the populace to get up banquets or theatrical shows; nay rather we have procured for them such luxurious ease that, since they have respite from want, they have had leisure to compose their anapaests against the very author of their well-being. Again, I have not levied gold money or demanded silver money or increased the tribute; but in addition to the arrears, one-fifth of the regular taxes has been in all cases remitted. Moreover I do not think it enough that I myself practise self-restraint, but I have also an usher who, by Zeus and the other gods, is moderate indeed, as I believe, though he has been finely scolded by you, because, being an old man and slightly bald in front, in his perversity he is too modest to wear his hair long behind, as Homer [ Il_2'542 ] made the Abantes wear theirs. And I have with me at my court two or three other men also who are not at all inferior to him, nay four or even five now, if you please.

And as for my uncle and namesake, did he not govern you most justly, so long as the gods allowed him to remain with me and to assist me in my work? Did he not with utmost foresight administer all the business of the city? For my part I thought these were admirable things, I mean mildness and moderation in those who govern, and I supposed that by practising these I should appear admirable in your eyes. But since the length of my beard is displeasing to you, and my unkempt locks, and the fact that I do not put in an appearance at the theatres and that I require men to be reverent in the temples; and since more than all these things my constant attendance at trials displeases you and the fact that I try to banish greed from the market-place, [366] G I willingly go away and leave your city to you. For when a man changes his habits in his old age it is not easy, I think, for him to escape the fate that is described in the legend about the kite. The story goes that the kite once had a note like that of other birds, but it aimed at neighing like a high-spirited horse; then since it forgot its former note and could not quite attain to the other sound, it was deprived of both, and hence the note it now utters is less musical than that of any other bird. This then is the fate that I am trying to avoid, I mean failing to be either really boorish or really accomplished. For already, as you can see for yourselves, I am, since Heaven so wills, near the age "When on my head white hairs mingle with black," as the poet of Teos [ Anacreon ] said.

Enough of that. But now, in the name of Zeus, God of the Market-place and Guardian of the City, render me account of your ingratitude. Were you ever wronged by me in any way, either all in common or as individuals, and is it because you were unable to avenge yourselves openly that you now assail me with abuse in your market-places in anapaestic verse, just as comedians drag Heracles and Dionysus on the stage and make a public show of them? Or can you say that, though I refrained from any harsh conduct towards you, I did not refrain from speaking ill of you, so that you, in your turn, are defending yourselves by the same methods? What, I ask, is the reason of your antagonism and your hatred of me? For I am very sure that I had done no terrible or incurable injury to any one of you, either separately, as individuals, or to your city as a whole; nor had I uttered any disparaging word, but I had even praised you, as I though I was bound to do, and had bestowed on you certain advantages, as was natural for one who desires, as far as he can, to benefit many men. But it is impossible, as you know well, both to remit all their taxes to the taxpayers [367] G and to give everything to those who are accustomed to receive gifts. Therefore when it is seen that I have diminished none of the public subscriptions which the imperial purse is accustomed to contribute, but have remitted not a few of your taxes, does not this business seem like a riddle?

However, it becomes me to be silent about all that I have done for all my subjects in common, lest it should seem that I am purposely as it were singing my praises with my own lips, and that too after announcing that I should pour down on my own head many most opprobrious insults. But as for my actions with respect to you as individuals, which, though the manner of them was rash and foolish, nevertheless did not by any means deserve to be repaid by you with ingratitude, it would, I think, be becoming for me to bring them forward as reproaches against myself; and these reproaches ought to be more severe than those I uttered before, I mean those that related to my unkempt appearance and my lack of charm, inasmuch as they are more genuine since they have especial reference to the soul. I mean that before I came here I used to praise you in the strongest possible terms, without waiting to have actual experience of you, nor did I consider how we should feel towards one another; nay, since I thought that you were sons of Greeks, and I myself, though my family is Thracian, am a Greek in my habits, I supposed that we should regard one another with the greatest possible affection. This example of my rashness must therefore be counted as a reproach against me. Next, after you had sent an embassy to me - and it arrived not only later than all the other embassies, but even later than that of the Alexandrians who dwell in Egypt, - I remitted large sums of gold and of silver also, and all the tribute money for you separately apart from the other cities; and moreover I increased the register of your Senate by two hundred members and spared no man; for I was planning to make your city greater and more powerful.

I therefore gave you the opportunity to elect and to have in your Senate the richest men among those who administer my own revenues [368] G and have charge of coining the currency. You however did not elect the capable men among these, but you seized the opportunity to act like a city by no means well-ordered, though quite in keeping with your character. Would you like me to remind you of a single instance? You nominated a Senator, and then before his name had been placed on the register, and the scrutiny of his character was still pending, you thrust this person into the public service. Then you dragged in another from the market-place, a man who was poor and who belonged to a class which in every other city is counted as the very dregs, but who among you, since of your excessive wisdom you exchange rubbish for gold, enjoys a moderate fortune; and this man you elected as your colleague. Many such offences did you commit with regard to the nominations, and then when I did not consent to everything, not only was I deprived of the thanks due for all the good I had done, but also I have incurred your dislike on account of all that I in justice refrained from.

Now these were very trivial matters and could not so far make the city hostile to me. But my greatest offence of all, and what aroused that violent hatred of yours, was the following. When I arrived among you the populace in the theatre, who were being oppressed by the rich, first of all cried aloud, "Everything plentiful; everything dear! " On the following day I had an interview with your powerful citizens and tried to persuade them that it is better to despise unjust profits and to benefit the citizens and the strangers in your city. And they promised to take charge of the matter, but though for three successive months I took no notice and waited, they neglected the matter in a way that no one would have thought possible. And when I saw that there was truth in the outcry of the populace, and that the pressure in the market was due not to any scarcity but to the insatiate greed of the rich, [369] G I appointed a fair price for everything, and made it known to all men. And since the citizens had everything else in great abundance, wine, for instance, and olive oil and all the rest, but were short of corn, because there had been a terrible failure of the crops owing to the previous droughts, I decided to send to Chalcis and Hierapolis and the cities round about, and from them I imported for you four hundred thousand measures of corn. And when this too had been used, I first expended five thousand, then later seven thousand, and now again ten thousand bushels - modii as they are called in my country - all of which was my very own property; moreover I gave to the city corn which had been brought for me from Egypt; and the price which I set on it was a silver piece, not for ten measures but for fifteen, that is to say, the same amount that had formerly been paid for ten measures. And if in summer, in your city, that same number of measures is sold for that sum, what could you reasonably have expected at the season when, as the Boeotian poet says, "It is a cruel thing for famine to be in the house. " Would you not have been thankful to get five measures for that sum, especially when the winter had set in so severe?

But what did your rich men do? They secretly sold the corn in the country for an exaggerated price, and they oppressed the community by the expenses that private persons had to incur. And the result is that not only the city but most of the country people too are flocking in to buy bread, which is the only thing to be found in abundance and cheap. And indeed who remembers fifteen measures of corn to have been sold among you for a gold piece, even when the city was in a prosperous condition? It was for this conduct that I incurred your hatred, because I did not allow people to sell you wine and vegetables and fruit for gold, or the corn which had been locked away by the rich in their granaries to be sold for their benefit. [370] G For they managed the business finely outside the city, and so procured for men "famine that grinds down mortals," as the god said when he was accusing those who behave in this fashion. And the city now enjoys plenty only as regards bread, and nothing else.

Now I knew even then when I acted thus that I should not please everybody, only I cared nothing about that. For I thought it was my duty to assist the mass of the people who were being wronged, and the strangers who kept arriving in the city both on my account and on account of the high officials who were with me. But since it is now, I think, the case that the latter have departed, and the city is of one mind with respect to me - for some of you hate me and the others whom I fed are ungrateful - I leave the whole matter in the hands of Adrasteia and I will betake myself to some other nation and to citizens of another sort. Nor will I even remind you how you treated one another when you asserted your rights nine years ago; how the populace with loud clamour set fire to the houses of those in power, and murdered the Governor [ Theophilus ]; and how later they were punished for these things because, though their anger was justified, what they did exceeded all limits.

Why, I repeat, in Heaven's name, am I treated with ingratitude? Is it because I feed you from my own purse, a thing which before this day has never happened to any city, and moreover feed you so generously? Is it because I increased the register of Senators? Or because, when I caught you in the act of stealing, I did not proceed against you? Let me, if you please, remind you of one or two instances, so that no one may think that what I say is a pretext or mere rhetoric or a false claim. You said, I think, that three thousand lots of land were uncultivated, and you asked to have them; and when you had got them you all divided them among you though you did not need them. This matter was investigated and brought to light beyond doubt. Then I took the lots away from those who held them unjustly, and made no inquiries about the lands which they had before acquired, and for which they paid no taxes, [371] G though they ought most certainly to have been taxed, and I appointed these men to the most expensive public services in the city. And even now they who breed horses for you every year hold nearly three thousand lots of land exempt from taxation. This is due in the first place to the judgment and management of my uncle and namesake but also to my own kindness; and since this is the way in which I punish rascals and thieves, I naturally seem to you to be turning the world upside down. For you know very well that clemency towards men of this sort increases and fosters wickedness among mankind.

Well then, my discourse has now come round again to the point which I wished to arrive at. I mean to say that I am myself responsible for all the wrong that has been done to me, because I transformed your graciousness to ungracious ways. This therefore is the fault of my own folly and not of your licence. For the future therefore in my dealings with you I indeed shall endeavour to be more sensible: but to you, in return for your good will towards me and the honour wherewith you have publicly honoured me, may the gods duly pay the recompense!

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Julian : The Caesars

The emperor Julian wrote this short comic sketch on the occasion of the Saturnalia, in December 361 A. D. It describes a contest between the Roman emperors, with Alexander the Great called in as an extra contestant, in the presence of the assembled gods. The conversation allows Julian to pass judgement concisely on many of his predecessors.

This translation is by W. C. Wright (1913). The page numbers in the Greek text are shown in red. Click on the G symbols to go to the Greek text of each section.

[306] G "It is the season of the Cronia [ Saturnalia ], during which the god allows us to make merry. But, my dear friend, as I have no talent for amusing or entertaining I must methinks take pains not to talk mere nonsense. "

"But, Caesar, can there be anyone so dull and stupid as to take pains over jesting? I always thought that such pleasantries were a relaxation of the mind and a relief from pains and cares. "

"Yes, and no doubt your view is correct, but that is not how the matter strikes me. For by nature I have no turn for raillery, or parody, or raising a laugh. But since I must obey the ordinance of the god of the festival, should you like me to relate to you by way of entertainment a myth in which there is perhaps much worth hearing? "

"I shall listen with great pleasure, for I too am not one to despise myths, and I am far from rejecting those that have the right tendency; indeed I am of the same opinion as you and your admired, or rather the universally admired, Plato. He also often conveyed a serious lesson in his myths. "

"By Zeus, that is true indeed! "

"But what is your myth and of what type? "

[307] G "Not one of those old-fashioned ones such as Aesopus wrote. But whether you should call mine an invention of Hermes - for it was from him I learned what I am going to tell you - or whether it is really true or a mixture of truth and fiction, the upshot, as the saying is, will decide. "

"This is indeed a fine preface that you have composed, just the thing for a myth, not to say an ovation! But now pray tell me the tale itself, whatever its type may be. "

"Attend"

At the festival of the Cronia Romulus gave a banquet, and invited not only all the gods, but the Emperors as well. For the gods couches had been prepared on high, at the very apex, so to speak, of the sky, on "Olympus where they say is the seat of the gods, unshaken forever" [ Homer, Od_6'42 ]. For we are told that after Heracles, Quirinus also ascended thither, since we must give Romulus the name of Quirinus in obedience to the divine will. For the gods then the banquet had been made ready there.
But just below the moon in the upper air he had decided to entertain the Emperors. The lightness of the bodies with which they had been invested, and also the revolution of the moon sustained them. Four couches were there made ready for the superior gods. That of Cronus was made of gleaming ebony, which concealed in its blackness a lustre so intense and divine that no one could endure to gaze thereon. For in looking at that ebony, the eyes suffered as much, methinks, from its excess of radiance as from the sun when one gazes too intently at his disc. The couch of Zeus was more brilliant than silver, but paler than gold; whether however one ought to call this "electron", or to give it some other name, Hermes could not inform me precisely. On either side of these sat on golden thrones the mother and daughter, [308] G Hera beside Zeus and Rhea beside Cronus. As for the beauty of the gods, not even Hermes tried to describe it in his tale; he said that it transcended description, and must be comprehended by the eye of the mind; for in words it was hard to portray and impossible to convey to mortal ears. Never indeed will there be or appear an orator so gifted that he could describe such surpassing beauty as shines forth on the countenance of the gods.

For the other gods had been prepared a throne or couch, for everyone according to his seniority. Nor did any dispute arise as to this, but as Homer said [ (? ) Il_11'76 ], and correctly, no doubt instructed by the Muses themselves, every god has his seat on which it is irrevocably ordained that he shall sit, firmly and immovably fixed; and though they rise on the entrance of their father they never confound or change the order of their seats or infringe on one another's, since every one knows his appointed place.

Now when the gods were seated in a circle, Silenus, amorous, methinks, of Dionysus ever fair and ever young, who sat close to Zeus his father, took his seat next to him on the pretext that he had brought him up and was his tutor. And since Dionysus loves jesting and laughter and is the giver of the Graces, Silenus diverted the god with a continual flow of sarcasms and jests, and in other ways besides.

When the banquet had been arranged for the Emperors also, Julius Caesar entered first, and such was his passion for glory that he seemed ready to contend with Zeus himself for dominion. Whereupon Silenus observing him said, "Take care, Zeus, lest this man in his lust for power be minded to rob you of your empire. He is, as you see, tall and handsome, and if he resembles me in nothing else, [309] G round about his head he is very like me. " While Silenus, to whom the gods paid very little attention, was jesting thus, Octavianus entered, changing colour continually, like a chameleon, turning now pale now red; one moment his expression was gloomy, sombre, and overcast, the next he unbent and showed all the charms of Aphrodite and the Graces. Moreover in the glances of his eyes he was fain to resemble mighty Helios, for he preferred that none who approached should be able to meet his gaze.

"Good Heavens! " exclaimed Silenus, "what a changeable monster is this! What mischief will he do us? "

"Cease trifling", said Apollo, "after I have handed him over to Zenon here, I shall transform him for you straightway to gold without alloy. Come, Zenon" he cried, "take charge of my nursling". Zenon obeyed, and thereupon, by reciting over Octavianus a few of his doctrines, in the fashion of those who mutter the incantations of Zamolxis, he made him wise and temperate.

The third to hasten in was Tiberius, with countenance solemn and grim, and an expression at once sober and martial. But as he turned to sit down his back was seen to be covered with countless scars, burns, and sores, painful welts and bruises, while ulcers and abscesses were as though branded thereon, the result of his self-indulgent and cruel life. Whereupon Silenus cried out, "Friend, you appear far different now, than before" [ Homer, Od_16'181 ], and seemed more serious than he had wont.

"Pray, why so solemn, little father? " said Dionysus.

"It was this old satyr", he replied, "he shocked me and made me forget myself and introduce Homer's Muse. "

[310] G "Take care", said Dionysus, "he will pull your ear, as he is said to have done to a certain grammarian [ Seleucus ]. "

"Plague take him", said Silenus, "in his little island" - he was alluding to Capri - "let him scratch the face of that wretched fisherman" [ see: Suet:Tib_60 ].

While they were still joking together, there came a fierce monster [ Caligula ]. Thereupon all the gods turned away their eyes from the sight, and next moment Justice handed him over to the Avengers who hurled him into Tartarus. So Silenus had no chance to say anything about him. But when Claudius came in Silenus began to sing some verses from the Knights of Aristophanes [ (? ) 1111 f. ], toadying Claudius, as it seemed, instead of Demos. Then he looked at Quirinus and said, "Quirinus, it is not kind of you to invite your descendant to a banquet without his freedmen Narcissus and Pallas. Come", he went on, "send and fetch them, and please send too for his spouse Messalina, for without them this fellow is like a lay-figure in a tragedy, I might almost say lifeless. "

While Silenus was speaking Nero entered, lyre in hand and wearing a wreath of laurel. Whereupon Silenus turned to Apollo and said "You see he models himself on you. "

"I will soon take off that wreath", replied Apollo, "for he does not imitate me in all things, and even when he does he does it badly. " Then his wreath was taken off and Cocytus instantly swept him away.

After Nero many Emperors of many sorts came crowding in together, Vindex, Galba, Otho, Vitellius, so that Silenus exclaimed, "Where, ye gods, have ye found such a swarm of monarchs? We are being suffocated with their smoke; for brutes of this sort spare not even the temple of the gods. "

The Zeus turned to his brother Serapis, [311] G and pointing to Vespasianus said, "Send this niggard from Egypt forthwith to extinguish the flames. As for his sons, bid the eldest [ Titus ] sport with Aphrodite Pandemos and chain the younger [ Domitianus ] in the stocks like the Sicilian monster [ Phalaris ]. "

Next entered an old man [ Nerva ], beautiful to behold; for even old age can be radiantly beautiful. Very mild were his manners, most just his dealings. In Silenus he inspired such awe that he fell silent. "What! " said Hermes, "have you nothing to say to us about this man? "

"Yes, by Zeus," he replied, "I blame you gods for your unfairness in allowing that blood-thirsty monster to rule for fifteen years, while you granted this man scarce one whole year. "

"Nay", said Zeus, "do not blame us. For I will bring in many virtuous princes to succeed him. "

Accordingly Trajanus entered forthwith, carrying on his shoulders the trophies of his wars with the Getae and the Parthians. Silenus, when he saw him, said in a whisper which he meant to be heard, "Now is the time for Zeus our master to look out, if he wants to keep Ganymedes for himself. "

Next entered an austere-looking man [ Hadrianus ] with a long beard, an adept in all the arts, but especially music, one who was always gazing at the heavens and prying into hidden things. Silenus when he saw him said, "What do you think of this sophist? Can he be looking here for Antinous? One of you should tell him that the youth is not here, and make him cease from his madness and folly. "

[312] G Thereupon entered a man of temperate character [ Antoninus Pius ], I do not say in love affairs but in affairs of state. When Silenus caught sight of him he exclaimed, "Bah! Such fussing about trifles! This old man seems to me the sort of person who would split cumin seed. "

Next entered the pair of brothers, Verus [ Marcus Aurelius ] and Lucius. Silenus scowled horribly because he could not jeer or scoff at them, especially not at Verus; but he would not ignore his errors of judgement in the case of his son and his wife, in that he mourned the latter beyond what was becoming, especially considering that she was not even a virtuous woman; and he failed to see that his son was ruining the empire as well as himself, and that though Verus had an excellent son-in-law who would have administered the state better, and besides would have managed the youth better than he could manage himself. But though he refused to ignore these errors he reverenced the exalted virtue of Verus. His son [ Commodus ] however he considered not worth even ridicule and so let him pass. Indeed he fell to earth of his own accord because he could not keep on his feet or accompany the heroes.

Then Pertinax came in to the banquet still bewailing his violent end. But Justice took pity on him and said, "Nay, the authors of this deed shall not long exult. But Pertinax, you too were guilty, since at least so far as conjecture went you were privy to the plot that was aimed at the son of Marcus. "

Next came Severus, a man of excessively harsh temper and delighting to punish. "Of him," said Silenus, "I have nothing to say, for I am terrified by his forbidding and implacable looks. " When his sons would have entered with him, Minos kept them at a distance. However, when he had clearly discerned their characters, he let the younger [ Geta ] pass, but sent away the elder [ Caracalla ] to atone for his crimes.

[313] G Next Macrinus, assassin and fugitive, and after him the pretty boy from Emesa [ Heliogabalus ] were driven far away from the sacred enclosure. But Alexander the Syrian sat down somewhere in the lowest ranks and loudly lamented his fate. Silenus made fun of him and exclaimed, "O fool and madman! Exalted as you were you could not govern your own family, but gave your revenues to your mother: nor could you be persuaded how much better it was to bestow them on your friends than to hoard them. "

"I however," said Justice, "will consign to torment all who were accessory to his death. " And then the youth was left in peace.

Next entered Gallienus and his father, the latter still dragging the chains of his captivity, the other with the dress and languishing gait of a woman. Seeing Valerianus, Silenus cried, "Who is this with the white plume that leads the army's van? " [ Euripides, Phoen_120 ] Then he greeted Gallienus with, "He who is all decked with gold and dainty as a maiden. " [ Homer, Il_2'872 ] But Zeus ordered the pair to depart the feast.

Next came Claudius, at whom all the gods gazed, and admiring his greatness of soul granted the empire to his descendants, since they thought it just that the posterity of such a lover of his country should rule as long as possible.

Then Aurelianus came rushing in as though trying to escape from those who would detain him before the judgement seat of Minos. For many charges of unjustifiable murders were brought against him, and he was in flight because he could ill defend himself against the indictments. [314] G But my lord Helios who had assisted him on other occasions, now too came to his aid and declared before the gods, "He has paid the penalty, or have you forgotten the oracle uttered at Delphi, 'If his punishment match his crime justice has been done'? "

With Aurelianus entered Probus, who in less than seven years restored seventy cities and was in many ways a wise administrator. Since he had been unjustly treated by impious men the gods paid him honours, and moreover exacted the penalty from his assassins. For all that, Silenus tried to jest at his expense, though many of the gods urged him to be silent. In spite of them he called out, "Now let those that follow him learn wisdom from his example. Probus, do you not know that when physicians give bitter medicines they mix them with honey? But you were always too austere and harsh and never displayed toleration. And so your fate, though unjust, was natural enough. For no one can govern horses or cattle or mules, still less men, unless he sometimes yields to them and gratifies their wishes; just as physicians humour their patients in trifles so that they may make them obey in things more essential. "

"What now, little father," exclaimed Dionysus, "have you turned up as our philosopher? "

"Why, my son," he replied, "did I not make a philosopher of you? Do you not know that Socrates also, who was so like me, carried off the prized for philosophy from his contemporaries, at least if you believe that your brother [ Apollo ] tells the truth? So you must allow me to be serious on occasion and not always jocose. "

[315] G While they were talking, Carus and his sons tried to slip into the banquet, but Justice drove them away. Next Diocletianus advanced in pomp, bringing with him the two Maximiani and my grandfather Constantius. These latter held one another by the hand and did not walk alongside of Diocletianus, but formed a sort of chorus round him. And when they wished to run before him as a bodyguard he prevented them, since he did not think himself entitled to more privileges than they. But when he realised that he was growing weary he gave over to them all the burdens that he carried on his shoulders, and admired their unanimity and permitted them to sit far in front of many of their predecessors. Maximianus was so grossly intemperate that Silenus wasted no jests on him, and he was not allowed to join the emperors at their feast. For not only did he indulge in vicious passions of all sorts, but proved meddlesome and disloyal and often introduced discord into that harmonious quartet. Justice therefore banished him without more ado. So he went I know not whither, for I forgot to interrogate Hermes on this point. However into that harmonious symphony of four there crept a terribly harsh and discordant strain. For this reason Justice would not suffer the two [ Maximiani ] so much as to approach the door of that assembly of heroes. As for Licinius, he came as far as the door, but as his misdeeds were many and monstrous Minos forthwith drove him away. Constantinus however entered and sat some time, and then came his sons. Magnentius was refused admission [316] G because he had never done anything really laudable, though much that he achieved had the appearance of merit. So the gods, who perceived that these achievements were not based on any virtuous principle, sent him packing, to his deep chagrin.

When the feast had been prepared as I have described, the gods lacked nothing, since all things are theirs. Then Hermes proposed to examine the heroes personally and Zeus was of the same mind. Quirinus thereupon begged that he might summon one of their number to his side. "Quirinus," said Heracles, "I will not have it. For why did you not invite to the feast my beloved Alexander also? Zeus, if you are minded to introduce into our presence any of these Emperors, send, I beg of you, for Alexander. For if we are to examined into the merits of men generally, who do we not throw open the competition to the better man? " Zeus considered that what the son of Alcmene said was only just. So Alexander joined the company of heroes, but neither Caesar nor anyone else yielded his place to him. However he found and took a vacant seat which the son of Severus had taken for himself - he had been expelled for fratricide.

Then Silenus began to rally Quirinus and said, "See now whether all these Romans can match this one Greek. " "By Zeus," retorted Quirinus, "I consider that many of them are as good as he! It is true that my descendants have admired him so much that they hold that he alone of all foreign generals is worthy to be styled 'the Great. ' However, that we shall very soon find out by examining these men. " Even as he spoke Quirinus was blushing, and was evidently extremely anxious on behalf of his descendants and feared that they might come off with the second prize.

[317] G Then Zeus asked the gods whether it would be better to summon all the Emperors to enter the lists, or whether they should follow the custom of athletic contests, which is that he who defeats the winner of many victories, though he overcome only that one competitor is held thereby to have proved himself superior to all who have been previously defeated, and that too though they have not wrestled with the winner, but only shown themselves inferior to an antagonist who has been defeated. All the gods agreed that this was a very suitable sort of test. Hermes then summoned Caesar to appear before them, then Octavianus, and thirdly Trajanus, as being the greatest warriors.

In the silence that followed, Cronus turned to Zeus and said that he was astonished to see that only martial Emperors were summoned to the competition, and not a single philosopher. "For my part, he added, "I like philosophers just as well. So tell Marcus to come in too. " Accordingly Marcus was summoned and came in looking excessively dignified and showing the effect of his studies in the expression of his eyes and his lined brows. His aspect was unutterably beautiful from the very fact that he was careless of his appearance and unadorned by art; for he wore a very long beard, his dress was plain and sober, and from lack of nourishment his body was very shining and transparent, like light most pure and stainless.

When he too had entered the sacred enclosure, Dionysus said, "King Cronus and Father Zeus can any incompleteness exist among the gods? " And when they replied that it could not, "Then," said he, "let us bring in here some votary of pleasure as well. "

"Nay," answered Zeus, "it is not permitted that any man should enter here who does not model himself on us. "

"In that case, said Dionysus, "let them be tried at the entrance. [318] G Let us summon by your leave a man not unwarlike but a slave to pleasure and enjoyment. Let Constantinus come as far as the door. "

When this had been agreed upon, opinions were offered as to the manner in which they were to compete. Hermes thought that everyone ought to speak for himself in turn, and then the gods should vote. But Apollo did not approve of this plan, because he said the gods ought to test and examine the truth and not plausible rhetoric and the devices of the orator. Zeus wished to please them both and at the same time to prolong the assembly, so he said, "There is no harm in letting then speak if we measure them a small allowance of water, and then later on we can cross-examine them and test the disposition of each one. "

Whereupon Silenus said sardonically, "Take care, or Trajanus and Alexander will think it is nectar and drink up all the water and leave none for the others. "

"It was not my water," retorted Poseidon, "but your vines that these two were fond of. So you had better tremble for your vines rather than for my springs. " Silenus was greatly piqued and had no answer ready, but thereafter turned his attention to the disputants.

Then Hermes made this proclamation:
"The trial that begins
Awards to him who wins
The fairest prize to-day.
And lo, the hour is here
And summons you. Appear!
Ye may no more delay.
Come hear the herald's call
[319] G Ye princes one and all.
Many tribes of men
Submissive to you then!
How keen in war your swords!
But now 'tis wisdom's turn;
Now let your rivals learn
How keen can be your words.
Wisdom, thought some, is bliss
Most sure in life's short span;
Others did hold no less
That power to ban or bless
Is happiness for man.
But some set Pleasure high,
Idleness, feasting, love,
All that delights the eye;
Their raiment soft and fine,
Their hands with jewels shine,
Such bliss did they approve.
But whose the victory won
Shall Zeus decide alone. "

While Hermes had been making this proclamation the lots were being drawn, and it happened that the first lot favoured Caesar's passion for being first. This made him triumphant and prouder than before. But the effect on Alexander was that he almost withdrew from the competition, had not mighty Heracles encouraged him and prevented him from leaving. Alexander drew the lot to speak second, [320] G but the lots of those who came next coincided with the order in which they had lived. Caesar then began as follows:

"It was my fortune, O Zeus and ye other gods, to be born, following a number of great men, in a city so illustrious that she rules more subjects than any other city has ever ruled; and indeed other cities are well pleased to rank as second to her. What other city, I ask, began with three thousand citizens and in less than six centuries carried her victorious arms to the ends of the earth? What other nations ever produced so many brave and warlike men or such lawgivers? What nation ever honoured the gods as they did? Observe then that, though I was born in a city so powerful and so illustrious, my achievements not only surpassed the men of my own day, but all the heroes who ever lived. As for my fellow-citizens I am confident that there is none who will challenge my superiority. But if Alexander here is is presumptuous, which of his deeds does he pretend to compare with mine. His Persian conquests, perhaps, as though he had never seen all those trophies that I gathered when I defeated Pompeius! And pray, who was the more skilful general, Dareius or Pompeius? Which of them led the bravest troops? Pompeius had in his army the most martial of the nations formerly subject to Dareius, but he reckoned them no better than Carians, for he led also those European forces which had often repulsed all Asia when she invaded Europe, aye and he had the bravest of them all, Italians, Illyrians, and Celts. And since I have mentioned the Celts, shall we compare the exploits of Alexander against the Getae with my conquest of Gaul ? He crossed the Danube once, I crossed the Rhine twice. The German conquest again is all my doing. No one opposed Alexander, [321] G but I had to contend against Ariovistus. I was the first Roman who ventured to sail the outer sea. Perhaps this achievement was not so wonderful, though it was a daring deed that may well command your admiration; but a more glorious action of mine was when I leapt ashore from my ship before all the others. Of the Helvetians and Iberians I say nothing. And still I have said not a word about my campaigns in Gaul, when I conquered more than three hundred cities and no less than two million men! But great as were these achievements of mine, that which followed was still greater and more daring. For I had to contend against my fellow citizens themselves, and to subdue the invincible, the unconquerable Romans.

"Again, if we are judged by the number of our battles, I fought three times as many as Alexander, even reckoning by the boasts of those who embellish his exploits. If one counts the cities captured, I reduced the greatest number, not only in Asia but in Europe as well. Alexander only visited Egypt as a sight-seer but I conquered her while I was arranging drinking-parties. Are you pleased to inquire which of us showed more clemency after victory? I forgave even my enemies, and for what I suffered in consequence at their hands Justice has taken vengeance. But Alexander did not even spare his friends, much less his enemies. And are you still capable of disputing the first prize with me? Then since you will not, like the others, yield place to me, you compel me to say that whereas I was humane towards the Helvetians you treated the Thebans cruelly.