No More Learning

All the people secretly express to
each other their hatred and contempt for the governor and his family.

POSTMASTER (_breathlessly entering with an open letter in his hand_):
An astonishing fact, gentlemen! The official which we took for an
inspector-general is not one! I have discovered this from a letter
which he wrote and which I saw was addressed "Post Office Street. "
So, as I said to myself that he had been reporting to the authorities
something he had found wrong in the postal department, I felt a
supernatural impulse constraining me to open the letter.

GOVERNOR: You dared to open the letter of so powerful a personage?

POSTMASTER: That is just the joke; that he is neither powerful nor
a personage. I will read the letter. (_Reads_) "I hasten to inform
you, my dear Tryapitchkin, of my experiences. I was cleared out of
everything on the way by an infantry captain, so that an innkeeper
wanted to put me in prison; when, owing to my Petersburg appearance
and dress, the whole town suddenly took me for the governor-general.
So now I am living with the governor, enjoy myself, and flirt with his
wife and daughter. These people all lend me as much money as ever I
please. The governor is as stupid as a grey gelding. The postmaster is
a tippler. The charity commissioner is a pig in a skull-cap. "

GOVERNOR: I am crushed--crushed--completely crushed. Catch him!

POSTMASTER: How can we catch him? I, as if purposely, specially
ordered for him the very best post-carriage and three horses.

GOVERNOR: What an old fool I am! I have been thirty years in the
service; not a tradesman nor contractor could cheat me; rogues upon
rogues have I outwitted; three governors-general have I deceived!

ANNA ANDREYEVNA: But this cannot be, Antosha. He is engaged to
Mashenka.

GOVERNOR (_enraged_): Engaged! Rubbish! Look, look; all the world,
all Christendom, all of you look how the governor is fooled! Fool,
fool; old driveller that I am! (_Shakes his fist at himself_) Ah, you
fat-nose! Taking a rag for a man of rank! And now he is jingling his
bells along the road. Who first said he was an inspector-general?
Answer!

[_All point to_ BOBCHINSKI _and_ DOBCHINSKI, _who fall to
accusing each other. A gendarme enters_.

GENDARME: The inspector-general sent by imperial command has
arrived, and requires you to attend him immediately. He awaits you at
the inn.

[_Thunderstruck at this announcement, the whole group
remained as if petrified, and the curtain falls_.


FOOTNOTES:

[C] Nicolai Vasilieyitch Gogol is famous not only as the
prince of Russian humorists, but as the real founder of both the
modern drama and the novel in Russian literature. He was born on
March 31, 1809, in the province of Poltava, in South, or "Little,"
Russia, and died at Moscow on March 3, 1852. His life was replete
with romantic episodes. After a short career on the stage, in St.
Petersburg, followed by the tenure of a minor Government office, he
returned to the South, and at once found his true vocation and achieved
a wide popularity by a collection of stories and sketches of Cossack
life, entitled "Evenings at a Farm House," which appeared in 1830.
Other "Cossack Tales" rapidly followed, including the famous "Taras
Bulba"; in recognition of which, and of his project for writing a
history of Russia in the Middle Ages, he was rewarded with a chair of
history at St. Petersburg. This he held but for a short time, however.
Turning his attention to comedy, Gogol now produced the drama "The
Inspector-General" ("Revizor") in 1836, the play achieving a tremendous
success on the stage in the spring of the same year, whilst in 1842 his
novel entitled "Dead Souls" embodied the fruits of the same idea in
fiction. The play is intended to bring a scathing indictment against
the corruptions and abuses of officialism and administration. The
following epitome has been prepared from the original Russian.




OLIVER GOLDSMITH[D]




She Stoops to Conquer


_Persons in the Play_

MR. HARDCASTLE MARLOW

TONY LUMPKIN KATE HARDCASTLE

HASTINGS SIR CHARLES MARLOW

MRS. HARDCASTLE CONSTANCE NEVILLE

SERVANTS


ACT I

SCENE I. --MR. HARDCASTLE'S _house_. MR. _and_ MRS. HARDCASTLE.

MRS. HARDCASTLE: I vow, Mr. Hardcastle, I hate such old-fashioned
trumpery.

HARDCASTLE: And I love it; old friends, old times, old manners, old
books, old wine, and I believe you'll own I've been pretty fond of an
old wife.

MRS. HARDCASTLE: Oh, you're for ever at your old wife. I'm not so old
as you'd make me. I was twenty when my son Tony was born, and he's not
come to years of discretion yet.

HARDCASTLE: Nor ever will, I dare answer; you've taught him finely.
Alehouse and stable are his only schools.

MRS. HARDCASTLE: Poor boy, anyone can see he's consumptive.
[TONY _is heard hallooing_.

HARDCASTLE: Oh, very consumptive!

[TONY _crosses, and_ MRS. HARDCASTLE _follows him out. Enter_
KATE HARDCASTLE.

HARDCASTLE: Blessings on my pretty innocence! What a quantity of
superfluous silk hast thou got about thee, girl!

KATE: But in the evening I am to wear my housewife's dress to please
you; you know our agreement, sir.

HARDCASTLE: By the bye, I shall have to try your obedience this very
evening. In fact, Kate, I expect the young gentleman I have chosen
to be your husband, this very day; and my old friend his father, Sir
Charles Marlow, soon after him. I shall not control your choice, but I
am told that he is of an excellent understanding.

KATE: Is he?

HARDCASTLE: Very generous.

KATE: I believe I shall like him.

HARDCASTLE: Young and brave.

KATE: I'm sure I shall like him.

HARDCASTLE: And very handsome.

KATE: Say no more; he's mine.

HARDCASTLE: And, to crown all, he's one of the most reserved and
bashful young fellows in the world.

KATE: That word has undone all the rest, still I think I'll have him.
(_Exit_ HARDCASTLE. ) Reserved and sheepish. Can't he be cured? (_Enter_
MISS NEVILLE. ) I'm glad you came, my dear. I am threatened with a
lover, the son of Sir Charles Marlow.

MISS NEVILLE: The most intimate friend of Mr. Hastings, my admirer;
and such a character. Among ladies of reputation the modestest man
alive, but with others----

MISS HARDCASTLE: And has my mother been courting you for my brother
Tony, as usual? I could almost love him for hating you so.

MISS NEVILLE: It is a good-natured creature at bottom, and I'm sure
would wish to see me married to anyone but himself. [_Exeunt_.


SCENE II. --_An alehouse_. TONY LUMPKIN _carousing with the village
riff-raff_. MARLOW _and_ HASTINGS _arrive, and inquire the
way to_ MR. HARDCASTLE'S _house_. TONY _tells them they
cannot possibly reach the house that night, but directs them
to it as an inn_.

TONY: The old Buck's Head on the hill, one of the best inns in the
whole county. But the landlord is rich and just going to leave off
business; so he wants to be thought a gentleman, and will be for giving
you his company. Ecod, he'll persuade you that his mother was an
alderman, and his aunt a justice of the peace. I'll just step myself,
and show you a piece of the way.
[_Exeunt. _


ACT II

SCENE. --_The hall of_ HARDCASTLE'S _house_. MARLOW _and_ HASTINGS
_have just arrived at the supposed inn, and the supposed
innkeeper is paying hospitable attention to their belongings.
Enter_ MARLOW _and_ HASTINGS.

HASTINGS: Upon my word, a very well-looking house; antique, but
creditable.

MARLOW: The usual fate of a large mansion. Having just ruined the
master by good housekeeping, it at last comes to levy contributions as
an inn.

HASTINGS: Good and bad, you have lived pretty much among them; and
yet, with all your experience you have never acquired any show of
assurance. How shall you behave to the lady you have come down to visit?

MARLOW: As I behave to all other ladies. A barmaid, or a milliner--but
to me a modest woman dressed out in her finery is the most tremendous
object in creation. An impudent fellow may counterfeit modesty, but
I'll be hanged if a modest man can counterfeit impudence. I shall bow
very low, answer yes and no, and I don't think I shall venture to look
her in the face. The fact is, I have really come down to forward your
affair, not mine. Miss Neville loves you, the family don't know you, as
my friend you are sure of a reception, and----Here comes mine host to
interrupt us.

[_Enter_ HARDCASTLE.

HARDCASTLE: Heartily welcome once more, gentlemen; which is Mr.
Marlow? Sir, you are heartily welcome.

MARLOW: He has got our names from the servants already.

[MARLOW _and_ HASTINGS _converse together, ostentatiously
ignoring_ HARDCASTLE'S _attempts to join in
with a story of Marlborough at the siege of Denain_.

MARLOW: My good friend, a glass of that punch would help us to carry
on the siege.

HARDCASTLE: Punch sir! (_Aside_) This is the most unaccountable kind
of modesty I ever met with. Well, here, Mr. Marlow, here's to our better
acquaintance.

MARLOW: A very impudent fellow, but a character; I'll humour him.
Sir, my service to you. (_They drink_. ) Well, now, what have you in the
house for supper?

HARDCASTLE: For supper! (_Aside_) Was ever such a request to a man in
his own house!

MARLOW: Yes, sir; supper. I begin to feel an appetite.

HARDCASTLE: Sure, such a brazen dog----Sir, I believe the bill of fare
is drawn out; you shall see it. (_The menu is produced and discussed in
scathing terms. Then_ MARLOW _insists on seeing himself that the beds
are properly aired_. ) Well, sir, I will attend you. This may be modern
modesty, but I never saw anything so like old-fashioned impudence.

[_Exeunt_ HARDCASTLE _and_ MARLOW.

HASTINGS: This fellow's civilities begin to grow troublesome.
(_Enter_ MISS NEVILLE. ) Miss Neville, by all that's happy!

MISS NEVILLE: My dear Hastings!

HASTINGS: But how could I have hoped to meet my dearest Constance
at an inn?

MISS NEVILLE: An inn! You mistake. My aunt, my guardian, lives here.
How could you think this house an inn?

HASTINGS: My friend, Mr. Marlow, and I were directed hither by a
young fellow----

MISS NEVILLE: One of my hopeful cousin's tricks.

HASTINGS: We must keep up the deception with Marlow; else he will
fly.

Hastings has planned to elope with Miss Neville; she wishes first to
get into her own hands her jewelry, which is in Mrs. Hardcastle's
possession. As they complete their plot Marlow enters.

HASTINGS: My dear Marlow, the most fortunate event! Let me present
Miss Constance Neville. She and Miss Hardcastle have just alighted to
take fresh horses. Miss Hardcastle will be here directly. Isn't it
fortunate?

MARLOW: Oh, yes; very fortunate, a most joyful encounter; but
our dresses, George! To-morrow will be every bit as convenient. Let it
be to-morrow.

HASTINGS: Pshaw, man! Courage, courage! It is but the first plunge.

[_Enter_ KATE _as from a walk_. HASTINGS _introduces them_.

KATE (_after a pause_): I am glad of your safe arrival, sir. I am
told you had some accidents by the way.

MARLOW: A few, madam. Yes, we had some. Yes, a good many. But should
be sorry, madam--I mean glad--of any accidents that are so agreeably
concluded. George, sure you won't go?

HASTINGS: You don't consider, man, that we are to manage a little
_tete-a-tete_ of our own.

[_Exeunt_ HASTINGS _and_ MISS NEVILLE.

MARLOW: I am afraid, madam, I--hem--grow tiresome.

KATE: Not at all, sir; there is nothing I like so much as grave
consideration. You were going to observe----

MARLOW: I was about to observe, madam--I was--I protest, I forgot----

KATE: Something about hypocrisy--this age of hypocrisy.

MARLOW: Ah, yes. In this age of hypocrisy there are few who--a--a----
But I see Miss Neville expects us; shall I----

KATE: I'll follow you. If I could teach him a little confidence!
[_Exeunt_.

Mrs. Hardcastle, Miss Neville, Hastings and Tony enter. In pursuance
of their plot, Constance engages Tony in a determined flirtation, to
his extreme disgust, while Hastings wins the heart of Mrs. Hardcastle
by extravagant flatteries. On the pretext of bringing the "dear,
sweet, pretty, provoking, undutiful boy" to a better mind, Hastings
gets rid of the ladies, and then offers to take Miss Neville off
Tony's hands.
Tony joyfully engages to help the elopement, and procure
Miss Neville's jewels.


ACT III

SCENE. --_As before. Enter_ TONY _with a casket_.

TONY: Ecod, I've got 'em. Cousin Con's necklaces, bobs and all. My
mother shan't cheat the poor souls out of their fortin. Here's (_enter_
HASTINGS) your sweetheart's jewels. If I hadn't a key to every drawer
in my mother's bureau---- Never you mind me. Zounds, here she comes.
Keep 'em. Morrice! Prance!

[_Exit_ HASTINGS. _Enter_ MISS NEVILLE, _and_ MRS. HARDCASTLE,
_who refuses to let her ward have her jewels_.

MRS. HARDCASTLE: They are missing, I assure you. My son knows they
are missing, and not to be found.

TONY: I can bear witness to that. I'll take my oath on't.

MRS. HARDCASTLE: In the meantime you can use my garnets. [_Exit. _

MISS NEVILLE: I detest garnets.

TONY: Don't be a fool! If she gives 'em you, take what you can get.
I've stolen your jewels out of the bureau. She's found it out, ecod,
by the noise. Fly to your spark, and he'll tell you all about it.
Vanish!
[_Exit_ MISS NEVILLE.

Kate has reported Marlow's bashfulness to Hardcastle, who has told
another tale. She has since learnt Marlow's blunder, and that he has
taken her in her "housewife's dress" for the barmaid. She has resolved
to test him in this character. She enters at the same time as Marlow,
who is studying his notebook.

KATE: Did you call, sir?

MARLOW (_not looking up_): No, child.

KATE: Perhaps it was the other gentleman?

MARLOW: No, no, child, I tell you! (_Looking up_. ) That is--yes, I
think I did call. I vow, child, you're vastly handsome.

KATE: Oh, la, sir, you'll make me ashamed!

MARLOW: Suppose I should call for a taste of the nectar of your lips?

KATE: Nectar? Nectar? We keep no French wines. (_He tries to kiss
her_. ) Pray keep your distance. I'm sure you didn't treat Miss
Hardcastle so. Are you a favourite among the ladies?

MARLOW: Yes, my dear. At the ladies' club up in town they call me
their Agreeable Rattle. Do you ever work, child?

KATE: Ay, sure. There's not a screen or a quilt in the house but
bears witness to that.

MARLOW: You must show me your embroidery.

[_As he seizes her hand_, HARDCASTLE _enters. Exit_ MARLOW.
KATE _persuades her father to give her an hour to clear_
MARLOW'S _character_.


ACT IV

SCENE. --_As before_. HASTINGS _has passed over the jewels to_ MARLOW'S
_care. The unconscious_ MARLOW _has told him that the servant
by his order has placed them in charge of the landlady. Enter_
HARDCASTLE, _solus_.

HARDCASTLE: My house is turned topsy-turvy. His servants are drunk
already. For his father's sake, I'll be calm. (_Enter_ MARLOW. ) Mr.
Marlow, sir, the conduct of your servants is insufferable. Their manner
of drinking is setting a very bad example.

MARLOW: I protest, my good friend, that's no fault of mine. They had
my positive orders to drink as much as they could.

HARDCASTLE: Zounds, I shall go distracted! I'll stand it no longer!
I desire that you and your drunken pack shall leave my house directly.

MARLOW: Leave your house? I never heard such cursed impudence. Bring
me my bill.

HARDCASTLE: Nor I, confound me if ever I did!

MARLOW: My bill, I say.

HARDCASTLE: Young man, young man, from your father's letter I
expected a well-bred, modest visitor, not a coxcomb and a bully. But he
will be down here presently, and shall hear more of it. [_Exit. _

MARLOW: How's this? Surely I have not mistaken the house? Everything
looks like an inn. The barmaid, too. (_Enter_ KATE. ) A word with you,
child. Who are you?

KATE: A poor relation, sir, who looks after the guests.

MARLOW: That is, you're the barmaid of this inn.

KATE: Inn? Oh, la! What brought that into your head? Old Mr.
Hardcastle's house an inn!

MARLOW: Mr. Hardcastle's house? Mr. Hardcastle's? So all's out. I
shall be laughed at over the whole town. To mistake this house of all
others--and my father's old friend. What must he think of me! And may I
be hanged, my dear, but I mistook you for the barmaid. I mistook--but
it's all over. This house I no more show my face in. By heaven,
she weeps! But the difference of our birth, fortune, education--an
honorable connection would be impossible, and I would never harbour a
thought of any other. Farewell. [_Exit_.

KATE: He shall not go, if I have power to detain him. I will
undeceive my father, and he shall laugh him out of his resolution.
[_Exit_.

The second couple are about to take flight without the jewels, by
Tony's help, when he receives a note from Hastings, which--not knowing
its source--he hands to his mother to decipher. She resolves to carry
Miss Neville off forthwith, to place her in charge of her old Aunt
Pedigree, in the coach prepared for the elopement. Tony being ordered
to attend them on horseback, hits on an expedient which he does not
reveal, but contents himself with bidding Hastings meet him two hours
hence in the garden. The party start on their journey.


ACT V

SCENE I. --SIR CHARLES MARLOW _has arrived, and the two elders have been
making merry over the blunder; both are now eager for the
marriage. But they are mystified by_ MARLOW'S _assertion that
he is indifferent to_ MISS HARDCASTLE, _and his assertion is
corroborated by what_ HARDCASTLE _saw_.


SCENE II. --_The back of the garden. Enter_ TONY, _booted and spurred,
meeting_ HASTINGS.

TONY: Ecod, five-and-twenty miles in two hours and a half is no such
bad driving.

HASTINGS: But where are your fellow-passengers? Where have you left
the ladies?

TONY: Why, where I found 'em! Led 'em astray, man. There's not a pond
or a slough within five miles of the place but they can tell the taste
of; and finished with the horsepond at the back of the garden. Mother's
confoundedly frightened, and thinks herself forty miles off. So now, if
your own horses be ready, you can whip off with my cousin, and no one
to budge an inch after you.

HASTINGS: My dear friend, how can I be grateful.

[_Exit_.

TONY: Here she comes--got up from the pond.

[_Enter_ MRS. HARDCASTLE.

MRS. HARDCASTLE: Oh, Tony, I'm killed--shook--battered to death!
That last jolt has done for me. Whereabouts are we?

TONY: Crackskull Common by my guess, forty miles from home. Don't be
afraid. Is that a man galloping behind us? Don't be afraid.

MRS. HARDCASTLE: Oh, there's a man coming! We are undone!

TONY (_aside_): Father-in-law, by all that's unlucky! Hide yourself,
and keep close; if I cough it will mean danger.

[_Enter_ HARDCASTLE.

HARDCASTLE: I am sure I heard voices. What, Tony? Are you back
already? (TONY _laughs_. )

MRS. HARDCASTLE (_running forward_): Oh, lud; he'll murder my poor
boy! Here, good gentleman, whet your rage on me. Take my money, take
my life, good Mr. Highwayman, but spare my child.

HARDCASTLE: Sure, Dorothy, you have lost your wits? This is one of
your tricks, you graceless rogue. Don't you remember me, and the
mulberry-tree, and the horsepond?

MRS. HARDCASTLE: I shall remember it as long as I live. And this is
your doing--you----

TONY: Ecod, mother, all the parish says you've spoilt me, so you may
take the fruits on't. [_Exeunt_.

Miss Neville thinks better of the elopement, and resolves to appeal
to Mr. Hardcastle's influence with his wife. This improved plan is
carried to a successful issue, with great satisfaction to Tony Lumpkin.


SCENE III. --_The hall_. SIR CHARLES MARLOW _and_ HARDCASTLE _witness,
from concealment, the formal proposal of_ MARLOW _to make
the supposed "poor relation" his wife. They break in_.

SIR CHARLES: Charles, Charles, how thou hast deceived me! Is this
your indifference?

HARDCASTLE: Your cold contempt? Your formal interview? What have you
to say?

MARLOW: That I'm all amazement. What does it mean?

HARDCASTLE: It means that you say and unsay things at pleasure; that
you can address a lady in private and deny it in public; that you have
one story for us and another for my daughter.

MARLOW: Daughter? This lady your daughter? Oh, the devil! Oh--!

KATE: In which of your characters may we address you? The faltering
gentleman who looks on the ground and hates hypocrisy, or the bold,
forward Agreeable Rattle of the ladies' club?

MARLOW: Zounds, this is worse than death! I must be gone.

HARDCASTLE: But you shall not! I see it was all a mistake. She'll
forgive you; we'll all forgive you. Courage, man! And if she makes as
good a wife as she has a daughter, I don't believe you'll ever repent
your bargain. So now to supper. To-morrow we shall gather all the poor
of this parish about us; the mistakes of the night shall be crowned
with a merry morning.